This breakup feels like it isn’t survivable. F/35 M/28
My boyfriend and I broke up a little over two weeks ago.
There was no infidelity, unhappiness, fighting, waning, or fizzling out.
In fact, we were at the height of our relationship, and we were closer and more serious than ever.
We were talking about our future together, and marriage literally the night before.
I don’t want to go into the reason because that isn’t the topic, and the breakup has already occurred.
There was just a massive and sudden rupture between the two of us.
It would have taken a lot of time and patience to work it out— but I was more than willing to sit in the discomfort with him and get through it.
Naturally, he is an extreme avoidant and always has been.
Our relationship was healing him greatly, and he was steadily becoming more and more secure.
I am an anxious attachment. (You can probably guess where this is going.)
So when the rupture occurred, he immediately went into full-blown shutdown/defense mode, and I was left with mostly silence, which made me feel like I was dying.
It was such a sudden flip; my brain had whiplash— and I was in shock for days (honestly, I might still be).
We had a couple of extremely tearful arguments where we were both in agony. I again said I would do whatever we could to fix it, and he just didn’t have it in him.
He wanted space, and he didn’t know how long it would take, and that was that.
So we ended it because ambiguity to me feels like soul-eroding death.
Since our breakup, every day I cry.
Every once in a while, I will be okay for a bit, but it always creeps in.
I am also going through a major life transition right now, and this could not have occurred at a worse time.
I can’t eat. I have already lost a significant amount of weight.
I can’t sleep without Xanax, and sometimes I need it just to exist. The pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced because I have never broken up with someone when we were HAPPY. That is why this is especially brutal.
I just keep looping our tearful conversations over and over and over again. All I am doing is reading breakup content to try and help dull this pain even a little.
This absolute agony and the thought of never seeing him again— my brain can’t even comprehend it.
I love him so much, and I miss him so much.
Nobody is him, and I just miss his scent, and his hugs, and sleeping next to him. I felt so safe with him and I know I will never feel that way again.
I am constantly wondering if he is missing me too, and the urge to reach out to him is unbearable.
I love him enough to respect his need to be away from me right now, but given my attachment style— and his— this could not be a worse combination of coping skills.
TLDR: I don’t know how to survive this breakup and it is absolutely eating me alive. How did you survive your worst breakup?