I feel like I can’t ever get it right in my marriage, what do I do?
Hi THT fam, I love the podcast and could really use some advice. <3
I (F35) am in a tough place with my husband (M37). We keep having arguments over small things that escalate, and it usually ends with him saying I need to communicate better and have a nicer tone. I’m trying to work on that, and I can admit I’m not perfect, but he feels like I keep failing and letting him down. I understand some of his perspective, but I often feel like the reactions are way bigger than the situation.
Example: last night we were watching a nature documentary after the kids went to bed. He suddenly brought up an issue with it that felt kind of like a conspiracy theory discussion. I said I didn’t feel like getting into something intense that late and just wanted to relax. He felt dismissed and said we never have time to talk as a couple. I said we could talk about it another time, just not right then. We went to bed without resolving it.
In the morning, he said I could’ve just given him a few minutes to speak. I agreed and apologized, saying I’d try to be more open. But when I tried to explain how it felt from my side (that it caught me off guard and shifted the mood), he got upset and said I was derailing the conversation again and repeating the same mistakes. He said our communication issues are my fault, that I don’t understand context, and that things aren’t improving. I ended up crying and he walked away.
Later, I tried to fix things, but he said it’s on me to solve. He told me he’s at a breaking point, that this is a dealbreaker, and that I’m “in debt” to him for how I’ve made him feel. I said that doesn’t feel like a healthy dynamic, but he basically said “take it or leave it” and that he’s waiting for me to make it up to him.
This kind of situation has happened many times over our ~15 years together, and in the past year he’s threatened to leave several times. In between, things are loving and normal.
I feel really confused about what I’m doing wrong and how to fix this. I just want a peaceful, healthy relationship. Any perspective would mean a lot.