How do I break up with my narcissistic "bestie" of 17 years?
I'm SO desperate tp figure this out and I've admired this community of badasses for a while, so maybe somone here can help me. Please tell me if this is too long.
Backstory: "Melissa" (46F [fake name]) and I (40F) met nearly 17 years ago in a vocational training program. Husband and I had already been married for about 3 years at that point, but Melissa was single (still is), independent, and spunky. At 23 years old, I was insecure and naive, but Melissa was bold and outspoken. I admired her instantly, and we were fast friends.
Husband and I have moved around over the years due to employment changes and job opportunities. I had two sons not long after Melissa and I met, but we kept a long-distance friendship for a lot of years. We had a blow-out fight at one point, before my second son was born, and didn’t speak to each other for nearly two years. We reconciled after I reach out to her in a difficult period of my PPD.
THree years ago, Melissa moved halfway across the country and now lives about 6 hours from me. At first, this was an exciting development, because my kids were pre-teens and I could make frequent trips out to visit Melissa in he new place without dragging the boys along. But I’ve recently begun to notice a disturbing pattern to our friendship.
I’ve supported her to my best ability. For the first year after she moved closer, I drove out monthly or bi-monthly to help her unpack and settle into the new house, often doing handyman-type jobs around her house that she couldn’t manage due to back pain. Melissa has a great deal of health issues at this point, and atlhough I‘ve battled my own (breast cancer scare, reproductive conditions, neurological procedures, etc), Melissa has never concerned herself with my health.
Last year I drifted a bit from our regular contact, partly due to a new job that was consuming my energy and attention, but also because Melissa grew tired of hearing about my work stress (she told me this recently). I left the job at the end of last year and have been tryin gto repair my own mental health as well as many friendships/relationships I drifted from during my stint as a workaholic.
Melissa is what I would call an over-sharer on social media but knows I don’t really log on or use the apps anymore. She’s taken to texting me everything she posts to her accounts: photos, videos, memes, shower thoughts… multiple times a day. Nearly every day. She hasn’t asked about my life, or my kids, or asked follow-up questions when I try to share my personal developments. Recently we had a massive argument because I wasn’t responding or reacting to everything shw was sending me and said she felt she was “wasting time” on me. I tried to do better, but realized she was policing our text chain, watching for my read receipt and getting angry when I didn’t at least “like” her photos and videos.
I now realize this friendship is painfully one-sided. Similar realizations have come to me over the many years of our friendship, but every time I try to address my needs and boundaries, it becomes an ugly argument. Melissa lashes out, hyper-analyzes everry word I use, and berates me for seemingly small issues (like wanting to stay in a hotel when I come visit because I didn’t want to sleep in the spare room with her cat’s automated litter box). I’ve always end up apologizing but cannot recall a time when Melissa has apologized for anything.
Two weeks ago, I told Melissa I was going “offline” for a bit to deal with some personal issues and take some time for myself. I told her I wouldn’t be available to talk for a bit. Her response was “do you still want me to send you stuff?” (meaning her social media content and health updates), and she told me if I couldn’t respond right away, she would understand. There was no “anything I can do to help?” or “do you want to talk about what’s weighing on you?” Nothing. Just “what about me?”, which is pretty standard tbh.
The break has been a huge relief. I don’t feel pressure to be “switched on” for Melissa at any given moment. I haven’t had my usual anxiety about swiping away notifications from her until I can be in a better frame of mind to give her my full attention and think of the best supportive response to each message she sends. I’ve been working on growing the small business I started this year, which Melissa has never shown interest in or asked about. I’ve given more attention to a new friendship with a former coworker, which has been the healthiest and most balanced relationship I’ve had with any friend.
I don’t think I want this friendship with Melissa anymore. It drains me, leaves me feeling lonely and unimportant. For everything I’ve given, this relationship has returned almost nothing.
My husband wants me to cut her off. Anther close friend thinks I should just block her and move on. But I feel like 17 years is too long to just go radio silent without any explanation or offer of closuere. However… I’m a chicken shit. I’m very anxious about telling Melissa how I feel and what I’ve decided. I don't know why.
I’ve considered her potential reactions and how I might address them (yay, therapy!), but I’m fairly confident her response will be anger and lashing out. Denying all my concerns and defending her behaviors. Reminding me of all the ways I’ve been a bad friend. Cussing me out and suggesting I’m mentally unwell. She might just take in everything I say and immediately block me without response. I suppose I’m fine with however she responds, because ultimatley I hope it's the last conversation I have with her.
I just don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to break up with a friend, but being friends for 17 years doesnt feel like reason engouh to stay in it. I've been desperately searching myself for the right combination of words that will lay out the facts and histroy of events as they are, without any emotion she can latch onto and refute. The fact that I feel fear over talking to someone I call a “friend” about the way she treats me is so telling. I'm partly afraid she will drag this out and make it torture for me for months to come.
Does anyone have experience breaking up with a friend as an adult? Is there any advice that might help me navigate this? I’m grateful for feedback of any kind.
tl;dr:: My BFF of 17 years only cares about herself and it's sucking the life out of me. How do I end it?