Divorce, lack of support, and post-divorce suspicion of cheating
Not too long ago I went through a divorce. I’m sharing this partly to get things off my chest, but also in hopes of finding some understanding, support, or even just someone who can relate. This is probably too long and idk if anyone will read it. I read the sub rules and I think this post is ok.
We were together for over a decade, married for most of it. In the last few years things became really difficult for me. I went through several major life events that worsened my already existing depression. Covid didn’t help, and I coped in unhealthy ways, drinking more and using weed to numb everything. We had both always been weed smokers, but my drinking definitely increased.
Looking back, I think our marriage slipped into autopilot. For at least the last year, she had more or less given up in her words. Communication broke down. When serious conversations happened, they usually came at a breaking point for her where she was yelling, crying, and overwhelmed. In those moments, I froze. I couldn’t organize my thoughts or respond in a meaningful way. I felt like a deer in headlights. Then the next day, she would apologize and say she overreacted. It left me confused and unsure of how serious things really were. Especially because on a day to day basis we were hanging out, having dinner together, playing games together, and enjoying each others company. At least I thought so.
When she said she wanted a divorce, I felt blindsided. She said I should have seen it coming. From my perspective, if I were ever at that point, I would have tried everything, including couples counseling. I loved her deeply and would have done anything for her. I did not want a divorce at all. I asked if we could try therapy, and she agreed if I set it up. I did immediately. We went once a week for 1 month, and at the last session she said she was leaving. One month of therapy and that was it. That was incredibly hard to accept.
She said she needed to take care of herself and do what was best for her. Meanwhile, I was all in. I didn’t want the marriage to end, and once I fully understood what was happening, I made serious changes. I quit weed entirely, significantly reduced my drinking, and then stopped drinking altogether. I realized that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t make it through this. I did some deep introspection and was able to see things more from her perspective, and I acknowledged it. I feel I demonstrated that I was willing to do anything for her and our marriage, and deeply regretted that it took it getting this far for me to realize where things were at.
Once I accepted the divorce, I made a conscious decision: I didn’t want to look back with regrets about how I handled it. I tried to be fair. I didn’t play games, didn’t fight over everything, and generally aimed for a 50/50 outcome. If anything, I often gave in unless I had a strong reason not to.
That fairness didn’t always feel mutual. Her lawyer’s paperwork painted me in a very negative light, focusing heavily on my drinking. While I acknowledge it was a problem, it was never framed that way during our relationship. No one suggested AA or treatment. It felt less like concern and more like justification after the fact. It seems like she used this as a convenient way to justify leaving me. I wasn't drinking hard liquor, I never blacked out or got super hammered, more just chased a buzz. I certainly was never abusive, physically or verbally.
And then there's her current partner, an ex-friend. During Covid, she felt isolated while I continued working. I encouraged her to build connections online, and she did. Over time, we both became friends with that group.
I never had an issue with her having male friends as I trusted her. However there was one person I felt uneasy about. Not because of insecurity in general, but because something about him felt off. It seemed clear to me he was interested in her. I expressed my feelings about this but she said she didn't see it. She assured me he had never crossed a line, and I tried to trust that. My options felt limited: either trust her or risk creating a bigger issue by asking her to distance herself.
There were moments that reinforced my concerns aside from my gut feeling. He made subtle digs at me in person. At times, especially in the last year of our relationship, where I felt like they would gang up on me. When I brought it up, I was told I was being insecure. Looking back, it feels a lot like I was being dismissed or even gaslit.
She had always said she would never be interested in him. Only a handful of months after our divorce was finalized, I found out they were dating.
One of the hardest parts has been the lack of emotional support from my friends. My ex and I shared a large friend group, and I didn’t want to put anyone in a position where they felt like they had to choose sides. The result, though, was isolating. People listened, but they stayed neutral. What I really wanted was for someone to put an arm around me and say, “That sucks. That’s messed up.” Instead, I mostly heard things like, “Sorry you’re going through that,” or sometimes even pushback that made me feel dismissed. When I put everything together regarding her new bf - the uneasy feeling I had about him, her dismissal of those feelings, her pinning it on me being insecure, her visiting him a couple weeks before she asked for a divorce - I came to the conclusion that she had been having an emotional affair. My closest friends, also friends with her, just said they didn't think it was like that and that they didn't think she would do that.
So I'm struggling to move past feeling like she abandoned our marriage, betrayed me, found a convenient things to pin it on, didn't fight for our marriage when she felt like it was going downhill, likely cheated on me at least emotionally, and came out of it looking like things just didn't work out between us and she did nothing wrong (she also took zero responsibility for anything during therapy or the divorce process, it was all my fault).
Much more I want to say but I don't want to make this longer or include anything too specific.