I hope this doesn't seem like a weird question, I haven't seen a psychiatrist since I was 14, and had been seeing them once a month since I was about 10 or 11, and had bad experiences with all of them, nothing about their gender, it just wasn't a great time in my life and my mother had a tendency to lie. I don't know why. I don't know that she was intentionally lying either, a lot to be considered, kind of irrelevant. I'm 17 now, which is very important for context later on.
I want to go back and see a psychologist or therapist, because I recently realised that I have a hard time feeling empathetic or getting in touch with my emotions entirely, and I worry about that and what it could lead to. Just also, terrible attachment issues, and socially I've gone rogue. And I wonder whether or not I've processed anything that's ever happened to me. Really, a plehtora of issues. But the thing is, I don't know what gender to go for because I have issues with both, and I don't know where to ask. To clarify, it's not like I've been raped or molested by either, (I felt the need to provide clarity, when I don't, people assume) but, my mother was kind of abusive? My dad has his whole own thing. And as a child I was bullied a lot by girls, not even sure if half of it really happened.
My problem is that I have this weird inherent distrust for women, that I wanna work on because it's illogical, but I feel like they're more prone to judging me, or I don't know. It sounds stupid, but the idea they might compete or lie to me to just get me down, is bad. And it might be because I constantly feel the need to compete, I don't know, I just don't think I view women in the right way and it's affecting my ability to make girl friends, even though I'd like to. I have a problem, with having done certain sexual things for dudes, thinking it'd make me feel better, with more than one at a time, and I comprehend that was my fault, I knew it was wrong while doing it. I just feel like a woman might be more prone to criticsm. As for dudes, my attachment issues are horrific and I don't know that I feel comfortable talking about the sexual favours with them either. I think for some reason, on a subconcious level, I think every guys tryna get at me, and I feel like I'd subconciously think it'd turn sexual, even though I understand that it probably won't and that I don't want it to on an intellectual and logical level. But I don't know, I'm kinda a yesman around guys, despite my best wishes, and you know, talking about the promiscuous aspect around men makes me feel demoralised and like they're judging me. And I don't know, it stresses me out really badly, because I know neither is inherently bad and that none of my thoughts would be inherently true, but you know I just don't know which would be a better fit, because I have issues I need to work out on either side, I just don't know where to start. I know the gender shouldn't matter but it feels like it does?