Hoping this reaches the right eyes because I don’t know how to coin this. It feels deeply tied up in my psyche.
10+ years ago, in multiple recurring times, I think (I know) I was in a relationship with my abuser (age difference especially) without really knowing it. Sexual violation and harassment, etc. Upon a deeply intense confrontation in the last year, I’m coming to terms with the fact that it has run my life in some way shape or form and was so buried beyond conscious knowing for 10-15 years. So much shame and running, detachment from self. A lot of the trauma was also wrapped up in him saying he wanted to marry me, even while with another girl. Mind you, the almost 6 year age gap, at technically an illegal range.
5 years ago, I got in an argument with my current fiance, boyfriend at the time. It wasn’t great (I know), but he was telling me to not be such a Karen when getting upset with the car tracking company after my car was stolen. I was nervous and distraught and see how that wasn’t right of him, but there’s also a truth behind it. Mind you, my car was stolen from my workplace, which I think was an extension of the abuse/trauma/identity as to why I got into it (healing profession). Thats the truth - that I didn’t want to be at this job in the first place, and ironically someone broke in and stole my keys, stole my car. I was already being someone I wasn’t, likely with this job. The argument probably exacerbated that burying.
While unfolding all of this, through dreams, therapy etc…I garnered that in my mind that I somehow unconsciously started to combine the archetype/phrase “the one who feels like she has to stay” with my boyfriend in that argument. Like….the one who feels like she has to stay with the abuser/predator - somehow combined with my boyfriend. Mind you, he is extremely safe, consistent, and stable and there’s very little highs and lows between us. It’s almost like my psyche was about to start an unraveling over time with this combo (until I now feel at rock bottom with it) because he can handle a lot of my heat/emotions. I honestly don’t know.
We’re now getting married, and I’m at probably the lowest point of my life. Removing the projection, the running, the actualities of what this meant with said abuser to unwind “the one who feels like she has to stay” with my lover. Dreams have combined topics of family, the patriarchy, the masculine, gaslighting, my reality not being real, abusive relationship nearing its end (in the last 5 years, since this car argument) etc. Intense derealization/dissociation on a daily basis.
Im working with a therapist. But what is this? What is unconsciously going on? I cannot decipher what’s real even if my gut knows and I feel even crazier as these two worlds collide.