I don't know if this is the subreddit to post this but I'll try.
I'm not sad, angry but nor am I happy. I'm not just existing but I'm not living or thriving either.
I wake up every single day. Every day is exactly the same. Every week is exactly the same. And I do need a change but I don't know where and how to do the change...
Should I seek a goal? Answers? What am I supposed to do? I'm not interested in anything. Although I used to be.
I suppose there's underlying sadness. And I really want to make it go out because this void is uncomfortable. I don't even know if it's a problem. Is it my fault becasue I don't have any goals and purpose?
Or is it numbness or dissociation because the underlying sadness would crush me?
I do remember when it started. As a child I was emotionally neglected. I haven't felt safe enough I suppose. When people asked 'How are you?' 'How is it going?' I always replied 'Good!'. I've never said that I'm doing bad. No complaints.
So I have always been supressing emotions as I haven't had a safe place to let them out.
Through puberty I was addicted to quick dopamine habits (no substances). Outside feels rather threatening so most of the time I was at home with my phone.
In spring 2023 I burnt out completely. I was depressed, I wanted not to exist, but when people asked I smiled and said that I'm fine again. Overtime I lost weight due to food restrictions and the sadness started to fade away. In the beginning I'd have like three months of complete chaos in my head and then there were these periods. One period was sadness, hopelesness, frustration and the other one was doubts, seeking answer, not feeling sad or happy or whatever. They were shifting likely due to some trigger I could never unveil.
Now I'm here.
Edit: I'm 20. From Czech Republic