okay well i’ve never actually talked about this since it happened but i think i need to?
i’ll start the story here i’ll say probably a good TW
so i actually don’t remember how old i was i just know i was about 10-11 ish i think? i have had so much other trauma so i actually just don’t remember, but all of it started here.
I F (17) now used to sleep at my grandmas house every friday in about 2012-2020 but in about 2017 my cousin (currently M 20 i believe) used to also sleep over, we had separate rooms but sometimes we would share a room because he had a nintendo switch and I really wanted to play on it because he had a game i loved, so one week when i slept over, he started touching me, this is where it gets really really hazy, i don’t exactly remember what he did but he would hug me really tight is what i remember it starting out as, but his arms would always be around my chest, at the time i didn’t think much of it i just thought this was how boys showed affection (due to daddy issues and autism i don’t understand affection very normally) and it gradually developed to him touching me above my pants i’m assuming you can guess where and i’d rather not say where. but after a-few weeks of him doing that he eventually got enough courage to go into my pants and under my underwear, i didn’t really understand at the time because again i was a kid and just didn’t understand at all, i thought it was normal, but then after a-few weeks of it going on, one time my grandma walked past the room and he like jumped off of me and i didn’t really understand what the hell happened or what he was doing till i seen his face, he looked shocked and abit worried, so that’s when i was like “wait is this not normal?” after that day whenever he was there i avoided it. for years i refused to sleep over there just incase he was there, and eventually she died (my grandma) and it was my biggest regret and still is letting him get the better of me when i could have spent time with her.
but i still don’t actually fully know if that was cocsa? or not. sorry the details are hazy i just dont know what to do anymore everytime i see him i feel sick, i have to see him at birthdays and on christmas and it makes me so upset and hate the holidays coz hes there. i just have to pretend everything is normal because he does the same.
(also before i told anyone about this, friends and bf, coz im to scared to tell family) he sexually assaulted to of my female friends because they used to hang out with him (they are slightly older than me).
what should i do?
and who on earth should i tell?
is it even actually an issue or am i all messed up for some other reason?