I’m a 21M and my fiancée is 20F. We’ve been together for a while, and I’m struggling with something I don’t really know how to talk about without sounding cruel.
My fiancée has severe anxiety and panic attacks. At times, it affects basic daily things like going into public places, being alone, or doing normal routines without needing reassurance or support. She is on medication and has been in/around therapy, but from my perspective, the anxiety still controls a lot of our relationship.
I want to be clear: I don’t blame her for having anxiety. I know she isn’t choosing to panic. I’ve had my own experiences with anxiety/derealization before, so I know how terrifying it can feel. But I’m starting to feel like our dynamic has become unhealthy. When she panics, she often avoids the thing that scares her and goes to the nearest person who can comfort or rescue her. Sometimes that’s me, sometimes it’s family. It feels like she gets temporary relief, but the pattern keeps repeating.
I’m exhausted. I feel less like a partner sometimes and more like an emotional caretaker. I want to support her, but I don’t want to enable avoidance. I also worry about our future: marriage, kids, pregnancy, independence, and whether we can build a stable life if her anxiety stays unmanaged like this.
I know we’re young, and I’m not trying to make a permanent decision based on one bad moment. But this has been an ongoing pattern, and I’m scared of building a marriage around something that already feels unsustainable.
I guess my questions are:
What is fair to expect from a partner with severe anxiety?
At what point does support become enabling?
And how do I know whether this is something we can work through, or whether I’m staying because I feel responsible for her?
I’m open to honest advice. I’m not looking to bash her. I just don’t know how to handle this anymore
TL;DR: I’m 21M and my fiancée is 20F. She has severe anxiety/panic attacks that affect daily life, and while I love her and want to support her, I feel like I’ve become more of an emotional caretaker than a partner. She tends to avoid things that scare her and rely on me or family for reassurance instead of building independence. I’m exhausted and worried about our future, marriage, and kids if this pattern doesn’t change. How do I set healthy boundaries without abandoning her, and how do I know when support becomes enabling?