So as title states I (23F) love this man (27M) but not in a way a partner should. We have been together for almost 6 years and I can't stand the thought of hurting him. I adore him as a friend he's kind, funny, hardworking and my best friend. He's done so much for me that I'll never be able to repay and it hurts so much. I've tried for 2 years to just buckle down and force myself to feel romantically or sexually attracted to him but I'm just not.
For context we moved in together first 9 months of dating, we lived and moved together for a couple years. At the 4 year mark I broke up with him after a psychotic episode but we ended up getting back together after 6 months. But we still decide that living separately would be for the best. I live alone he lives with his parents 4 hours away. He has financially supported me heavily. My mom and brother adore him but my friends hate him.
I am so scared to lose my rock and my best friend but I know it's not fair to him, he deserve someone that will love him in a way that I cannot. Part of me wants to just play the part and stay with him but I get so icked out when anything sexual happens and nothing romantic ever happens between us except him calling me pet names.
I want to be able to pay him back financial at least but I do not make a lot of money. I want to do a payment plan but I don't want to make the pain for him worse.
Do I break up with him? How do I? When do I? Do I pay him back?
Anyways TLDR: I a POS need to break up with my long distance long term boyfriend and am unsure on how to do it and if financially giving him money is something I should do...
Oops I forgot to add edit:
Am autistic not sure if that helps any.
I don't want to call him because I don't want to cry and make it about myself when its about him.