u/Dry_Experience1428

They love to put you on a pedestal and knock u right off that shelf sometime like jenga so slow n sneaky into the wood pile w that invisible hand ykim

I forgot how shitty heartbreak is. I know I’ll be okay but this one fucked me newly. When I was younger, I used to feel utter relief after something had really run its course. Other relationships that were very emotionally charged left me listless and inconsolable for months. There was one major heartache that nearly destroyed me for years on end.

This one is different. It feels like a bad dream. Feels like I got shot in the chest every morning and throughout the day I become myself again. Then another wave. It lifts; it comes back. It burns, it aches; it’s hollow. There’s an emptiness to the experience. Too much logic. I find myself wishing to act recklessly but nothing comes. It’s just a bad bruise that spreads, stuck under my skin.

I think, after enough heartbreak, particularly after a discard, you’re so fucked for so long that you don’t bother letting anything else get to you in that way. Or, you know, even if it takes years, you do actually get through. There will be someone else; you will feel fun, sexy attraction again; you will not feel immense guilt for sleeping with another person; you will see the person as they are when you no longer seek anything from them.

There’s something kind of tawdry about love. Its intricacies, the universal similarities; the drug and attachment of it all. You never really know how the other person feels. You think, if there was just one more chance, you’d finally get it right but that’s just how it *feels*. You learn how you feel matters, but not as much as you once thought. Feelings really aren’t final (and it makes you mad!). We assign value to whatever makes us feel really good or really bad, for the most part. My only comfort in all of this is being sure that anyone I’ve ever loved still loves me. Maybe it’s not them or me or us that’s all wrong. Maybe time just wasn’t on our side, or, relationships are very complex climates in which there is no absolute truth or unit of measurement that can predict their survival.

Two very complex people, or, “volatile planets” may be too unstable to sustain life. At least, depersonalizing the cruelty of nature takes a bit of the sting out.

It’s too painful to sit in the loss so I like to spout some bullshit about this and that. I’m just really hurting. I fantasize about crying in someone’s arms but I hate being touched, unless by them.