u/Dry_Delivery1330

When I was little I had a hard time making friends and rarely enjoyed the company of other children. I got awkward or socially exhausted rather quickly, and preferred to be alone. I got taken to a therapist, who referred me to a neurologist who diagnosed me with ASD.

I made one good friend at the age of six, who I was extremely attached to, and who I became enraged at if I felt the slightest hint of betrayal. I was always distrustful of them, and no without reason. I was bullied a lot physically and verbally, but I never reacted or told anyone, so no adults intervened. My friend would sometimes take the bullies’ side out of fear.

I ended changing schools in 4th grade and my social struggles went on. I ended up changing schools again at the start of 7th, and then I changed another 5 times on top of that. I did this out of my own volition, my parents never moved or had any reason to pull me out of any school, I just asked them to. Not because I was bullied, I just couldn’t stand being known by my classmates. It was revolting. Whenever they remembered any fact about me it felt so invasive and awkward. At one point, I actually told my classmates explicitly that I didn’t want any friends, and to please stop talking to me. I’ll always take bullying over small talk.

I did make some friends at some of the schools that I went to (they came to me and integrated me into their groups) and dated some girls (they’d hit me up first, and then leave when I failed to pay attention to them), but it was all incredibly tedious and painful to me.

I hated having friends because whenever I shared anything about myself, it kept me up at night. To the point where I developed some mild insomnia. My face would heat up at the memory of some conversation I had earlier thar day, and I’d stay up for hours, thinking about what I said or did, feeling irrationally upset. Whenever anyone said anything about me, about who I was, or what I did or liked, it made me want to hide or run away. Not because I had low self esteem (I never felt particularly insecure, I’ve never thought I was ugly or stupid) but because being known, as abstract as that is, made me deeply uncomfortable. So much so I doubt I’ll be able to convey those agonising feelings through written word.

This avoidant behaviour manifested itself in other areas of my life. I could never have social media because I was distraught by my digital footprint. I couldn’t keep a journal without burning or shredding it because I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a written record of my existence somewhere. I regularly deleted all the pictures in my phone, because I didn’t want to remember what I did or looked like any particular day. Etc.

When it came to adult dating, I’d get in a relationship with people I barely knew, and break it off as soon as I felt like we knew each other “too much” (2-3 months in).

I do have some friends these days, but it’s very hard for me to sustain these friendships. I cut both of them off at some point, and went no contact for months (and even years) at a time.

Therapy is useless because nothing prevents me from ghosting my therapists. I’ve gone to 10+ therapists and ghosted all of them. I know I’m abnormal and I do get lonely from time to time but my brain won’t allow me to seek help.

Is there anything I can do about this?

When I was little I had a hard time making friends and rarely enjoyed the company of other children. I got awkward or socially exhausted rather quickly, and preferred to be alone. I got taken to a therapist, who referred me to a neurologist who diagnosed me with ASD.

I made one good friend at the age of six, who I was extremely attached to, and who I became enraged at if I felt the slightest hint of betrayal. I was always distrustful of them, and no without reason. I was bullied a lot physically and verbally, but I never reacted or told anyone, so no adults intervened. My friend would sometimes take the bullies’ side out of fear.

I ended changing schools in 4th grade and my social struggles went on. I ended up changing schools again at the start of seventh, and then I changed another 5 times on top of that. I did this out of my own volition, my parents never moved or had any reason to pull me out of any school, I just asked them to please let me switch and they complied. It wasn’t because I was bullied, I just couldn’t stand being known by my classmates. It was revolting. Whenever they remembered any fact about me it felt so invasive and awkward. At one point, I actually told my classmates explicitly that I didn’t want any friends, and to please stop talking to me. I’ll always take bullying over small talk.

I did make some friends at some of the schools that I went to (they came to me and integrated me into their groups) and dated some girls (they’d hit me up first, and then leave when I failed to pay attention to them), but it was all incredibly tedious and painful to me.

I hated having friends because whenever I shared anything about myself, it kept me up at night. To the point where I developed some mild insomnia. My face would heat up at the memory of some conversation I had earlier thar day, and I’d stay up for hours, thinking about what I said or did, feeling irrationally upset. Whenever anyone said anything about me, about who I was, or what I did or liked, it made me want to hide or run away. Not because I had low self esteem (I never felt particularly insecure, I’ve never thought I was ugly or stupid) but because being known, as abstract as that is, made me deeply uncomfortable. So much so I doubt I’ll be able to convey those agonising feelings through written word.

This avoidant behaviour manifested itself in other areas of my life. I could never have social media because I was distraught by my digital footprint. I couldn’t keep a journal without burning or shredding it because I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a written record of my existence somewhere. I regularly deleted all the pictures in my phone, because I didn’t want to remember what I did or looked like any particular day. Etc.

When it came to adult dating, I’d get in a relationship with people I barely knew, and break it off as soon as I felt like we knew each other “too much” (2-3 months in).

I do have some friends these days, but it’s very hard for me to sustain these friendships. I cut both of them off at some point, and went no contact for months (and even years) at a time.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Is this normal autism? Do other autistic people feel this way? Therapy is useless because nothing prevents me from ghosting my therapists. I’ve gone to 10+ therapists and ghosted all of them. I know I’m abnormal and I do get lonely from time to time but my brain won’t allow me to seek help.

TL;DR: I’m extremely avoidant in every aspect of my life/suffer from some sort of (to my understanding) uncommon form of social anxiety and I can’t seek help because I end up avoiding therapists.

When I was little I had a hard time making friends and rarely enjoyed the company of other children. I got awkward or socially exhausted rather quickly, and preferred to be alone. I got taken to a therapist, who referred me to a neurologist who diagnosed me with ASD.

I made one good friend at the age of six, who I was extremely attached to, and who I became enraged at if I felt the slightest hint of betrayal. I was always distrustful of them, and no without reason. I was bullied a lot physically and verbally, but I never reacted or told anyone, so no adults intervened. My friend would sometimes take the bullies’ side out of fear.

I ended changing schools in 4th grade and my social struggles went on. I ended up changing schools again at the start of seventh, and then I changed another 5 times on top of that. I did this out of my own volition, my parents never moved or had any reason to pull me out of any school, I just asked them to please let me switch and they complied. It wasn’t because I was bullied, I just couldn’t stand being known by my classmates. It was revolting. Whenever they remembered any fact about me it felt so invasive and awkward. At one point, I actually told my classmates explicitly that I didn’t want any friends, and to please stop talking to me. I’ll always take bullying over small talk.

I did make some friends at some of the schools that I went to (they came to me and integrated me into their groups) and dated some girls (they’d hit me up first, and then leave when I failed to pay attention to them), but it was all incredibly tedious and painful to me.

I hated having friends because whenever I shared anything about myself, it kept me up at night. To the point where I developed some mild insomnia. My face would heat up at the memory of some conversation I had earlier thar day, and I’d stay up for hours, thinking about what I said or did, feeling irrationally upset. Whenever anyone said anything about me, about who I was, or what I did or liked, it made me want to hide or run away. Not because I had low self esteem (I never felt particularly insecure, I’ve never thought I was ugly or stupid) but because being known, as abstract as that is, made me deeply uncomfortable. So much so I doubt I’ll be able to convey those agonising feelings through written word.

This avoidant behaviour manifested itself in other areas of my life. I could never have social media because I was distraught by my digital footprint. I couldn’t keep a journal without burning or shredding it because I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a written record of my existence somewhere. I regularly deleted all the pictures in my phone, because I didn’t want to remember what I did or looked like any particular day. Etc.

When it came to dating, I’d get in a relationship with people I barely knew, and break it off as soon as I felt like we knew each other “too much” (2-3 months in).

I do have some friends these days, but it’s very hard for me to sustain these friendships. I cut both of them off at some point, and went no contact for months (and even years) at a time.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Is this normal autism? Do other autistic people feel this way? Therapy is useless because nothing prevents me from ghosting my therapists. I’ve gone to 10+ therapists and ghosted all of them. I know I’m abnormal and I do get lonely from time to time but my brain won’t allow me to seek help.

TL;DR: I’m extremely avoidant in every aspect of my life/suffer from some sort of (to my understanding) uncommon form of social anxiety and I can’t seek help because I end up avoiding therapists.