I believe I was misdiagnosed by the NHS..
Today I had my autism assessment feedback session, and it was just upsetting. The woman told me I have traits of autism but because I don't hit DSM-5 criteria, I don't qualify. And then she went on to telling me how it's because I don't struggle with communication, I don't struggle with routines, i'm not sensitive to things, I don't have 2 special interests etc..
And it astounded me because during the assessment I literally SPOKE about THESE things. I delved into my childhood which i'm already not fond of, told how I couldn't be friends with people naturally and was studying them inorder to be like them and would even go out of my way to give them things to be friends because that's how I believed friendship worked. I told them how I was always alone and when I would get one friend I would latch on to them obsessively. I told them how I had to always follow others (eg. the mother hen) because I couldn't figure out things myself. I told them how I struggle with eye contact, it genuienly unnerves/distresses me. I told them how I literally can't handle myself without a routine and I literally shut down when anything disrupts it.
I told them about how i'm hyper sensitive to light, textures and noises and that this has persisted through out my childhood. I told them how I had been remarked growing up as someone robotic/overly formal and that I felt flat and or depressed most of my life. I told them I think extremely logically, I take things at face value, I don't understand tone as easily and people dislike me at points because of how intense or straight forward I can be.
I told them I can talk without stop on topics I am passionate about (eg. writing, roleplaying, philosophy) to the point of overwhelming others. Sure i'm not lining up things in colours and what, but I am religious with needing structure and order and predictability in my life.
I told them all this and more they say that I don't meet the criteria, when I literally remember stimming (rocking and playing with my fingers), being unable to look the assessor in the eye and even blanking out during the assessment because I didn't know what to say.
When hearing them telling me that 'they don't believe I have Autism', I honestly shut down and disassociated. And then I had a meltdown and cried in front of the assessor and left my appointment early, even though I specifically woke up early to come there at 10:30, I already struggle with cognitive function, and then I couldn't even stay for 10 minutes after they called me as I just ran away. I couldn't bare being in the same room of the assessor or in the centre after this.
I feel so embarrassed and invalidated.
It feels like i'm trying to convince others of my struggles instead of being percieved as honest about them. I wanted an answer for everything that i've struggled with, autism made the most sense and I see it in myself. But now I am just being told 'no you're not'. And it just feels all this pain I have from growing up, is because of myself. That I am fundamentally broken and I have no space.
And this isn't the first time the NHS has done this to me.
(continued in comments due to word count limit)