Hi, I’m new to Reddit and not sure if anyone will see this, but I’m looking for advice on a complicated situation with a long-term friend/roommate.
Recently, she accidentally sent me texts that were meant for her mom. They were pretty harsh and insulting, criticizing different aspects of my life. It was based on a misunderstanding—she misheard something I said and ran with it.
I responded calmly and suggested she double-check who she’s texting, and also told her she could talk to me directly if I hurt her feelings. She called shortly after, apologized a lot, and said it wasn’t how she really feels and that she’s just going through a hard time. I stayed neutral and gave her grace, but I’m still having a hard time shaking it.
For context, we’ve been friends for about 9 years and lived together for 5. There have been really good times, but also a pattern where being around her leaves me feeling on edge and overly self-aware. At a core level, I think we’re just very different people.
Back in December, we somewhat explored her moving out. It didn’t turn into a real conversation because it quickly became emotional, and I backed off. Part of me also worried that if I followed through, it could turn into a situation where I’m painted as the “bad guy.” I’ve always felt like she sees me through a certain lens, especially because she’s seen me at some of my lowest points and has, at times, offered her own “psychological evaluations” of me. I think she views me as a wounded person, and that’s hard to shake.
At the same time, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to grow or work through my own things while being in such close proximity to her. Since then, I’ve been in therapy and have made a real effort to show up differently, set boundaries, and keep things respectful. Over time, things did start to feel more stable again. Different than before, but manageable, and honestly more comfortable in a quieter, roommate-type dynamic.
I don’t share much of my personal life anymore, and I’ve realized I don’t feel comfortable having her that close to my inner world. She tends to over-share and vent to others, sometimes publicly, which makes me uneasy. There’s a level of trust that just isn’t there anymore.
At the same time, our living situation is mutually convenient. She doesn’t have to deal with moving while in nursing school, and I don’t have to find a new roommate. So logistically, it works.
But emotionally, these texts brought me right back to where I was in December. I feel myself slipping back into that same space of resentment and questioning everything again. I also can’t help but feel like what she said didn’t come out of nowhere, and that it wasn't the first time.
At this point, I don’t think I want a close friendship with her anymore. I’m okay with distance, but I don’t know how sustainable that is when you live together.
Has anyone navigated something like this?
Is it realistic to maintain distance while living together, or does that usually reach a breaking point?
At what point is it better to separate living situations entirely?