AIO: am I 'harboring' and should I stop?
I have a lot of feelings of resentment and bitterness towards a few members of my family. My dad for being around but not being a hands on parent, he's a coach potato parent, but will take himself of on holidays. As the eldest Ive always had these expectations and pressure to be 'mature/sensible/the better one and the example' to the extent that I'd supress a lot of myself because the reaction was not worth it. Hed have me stay up till midnight going over school work until Id get it to his satisfaction, until I got old enough to twist my way out of it. I could never just be a kid who could made mistakes, otherwise there'd be mockery and being made fun of. I ended up for a long time feeling sick even talking in front of or around him, walking on egg shells. To the extent that now I struggle to sing or joke in certain ways where my throat just blocks up and I cant get it out. I guess you could say I was a sensitive child and took a lot to heart and 'deeped it' too much. He'd be a playful person during the toddler stage but as soon as you start to get your own opinions that changed. He doesnt act emotionally intelligent in terms of having an awareness of other peoples emotions and considering the consequences of his behaviour impacting others. My mum would rant to me a lot about him growing up, venting her stress to me, and its very long winded but I'd always have to watch what I say around her, and if she was ever in a mood or got annoyed by someone or something she would let her mood impact everyone, so younger me would be wracking my mind to see what could be done to 'fix' her mood, like cleaning the house or whatever, so I've always been overly intune to peoples moods and notice the slightest of changes. Anyway all of this over time as made me mentally/emotionally distant from them, theres a lack of 'care' from me now and I try not to but it shows in my interactions or body language sometimes towards them. I have a lot younger siblings and they get a completely different treatment from my dad, like hes clocked out from the strict parenting and does nothing, and (if u read my other post about my sister) I have a lot of frustrations because my sister is an ass to me but im always the older one, so its never her turn to learn, or take responsibility, I dont want her to be treated how I did obv but its just frustrating how I got one version of him and she gets it easy as anything. Anyway ramble over, am I focusing too much on the past, and over reacting to it and if I am, tips on how to 'let it go' and stop harboring. I have tried to have conversations with both parents about how I feel just to try and have a 'fresh start' but that didnt go down a success because how dare I hurt their feelings and forget they have a heart, and to them, me saying it makes no difference so whats the point of hurting their feelings. Their words.