Me 40M and my wife 42F have been together for about 12 years. Multiple kids, moved back and forth across the country together, all around things are pretty good.
Today we had had a fight because she said she just finished some subway like it she was a conehead, I say if you're still hungry ive got something thats definetly not a foot long but it's advertised as such for you. And she gets mad that im always saying stuff like that about her "servicing me", and that its never more of a mutual request (it definetly is ill often send them about me having a "snack" or something along those lines later)... anyways instead of trying to point out all the times I will say it more geared towards her, I just ask if its wrong for me to want to be serviced like that? That everytime she says no etc, I dont force it or try to make her feel bad for it.
I went on to say, we have been together for a decade, its not about keeping score about whos doing more for the other. I preface the next part as Im not trying to weaponize things in the past, I do these things because I want to, not out of obligation. That I rub her head because she likes it every night, her sides, her back, her feet, get her snacks drinks etc because she asks, run errands in the middle of the night for her for a bag of chips, a lot of things she could easily do herself but just would rather ask me to do it than get up herself. That in a decade of doing basically all the things shes asked ive never been like ever realize all your requests are just for your benefit. She asks for like 10 smaller requests a day, I dont really ask much, maybe could you grab me something while your out etc, but nothing that would be out of her way, ever.
Our sex life isnt bad, maybe for the first year or two I was pretty selfish there, but for the last decade ive put a lot of effort into making sure she gets hers, often Multiple times first, so much that so that it has made it significantly less enjoyable for myself, because holding back to much to make sure she goes first diminishes the finish for myself. Ive told her many times if she wasnt feeling it, ask for it and ill finish pretty much immediately.
Shes upstairs right now, pissed and not wanting to talk to me, saying fine she wont ask me to do stuff anymore... I reiterated that, that wasnt what I meant or wanted, that I do those because I want to, and its fine if she doesnt want to do the things I ask, that I wouldnt treat her any different. Im just kinda lost right now. That I try so hard to make her happy for everything, but me voicing that I want something, that im still fine if she doesnt do it upsets her so much.