u/Dry-Vegetable4349

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year yesterday. We had been friends for two years prior and I liked him the whole time, so I really feel like we’ve really been together 3 years. After he finally asked me out a year ago I was so happy, our sex was so great, and in love (emphasis on in LOVE); but I started noticing small compatibility issues in hindsight.
He came to my hometown over summer 2025 and it made me feel uncomfortable and actually relieved when he left, an emotion which I pushed back and didn’t address cuz why would I feel like that about my boyfriend who I’m supposed to love spending time with? Ever since, I’ve been noticing slight things I would nitpick about him and dislike, started feeling slightly uncomfortable while being totally myself because the dynamic was somehow off in a way I couldn’t describe. The conversations sometimes felt forced and we would run out of stuff to say frequently, I think, and I thought it could be comfortable silence but somehow would make me uncomfortable. Once I got on birth control after summer, I started feeling down in the dumps and my sex drive plummeted to zero. Once I realized how unconfident with myself and uncomfortable with physical intimacy I had gotten, I told him my issue and that I needed time and space. Over that next month or so I stopped birth control but kept feeling weird about us. I would dread texting him back, saw his sweetest most loving texts as irritating, when we hung out I just wanted to leave, thinking about having sleepovers would make me so anxious even tho I had once loved them. I finally tracked the pattern of thinking about breaking up, realized I consistently wanted to, and finally had the courage to do it yesterday because I could not mentally keep it from him anymore.
Needless to say, he was devastated and blindsided, the breakup was extremely emotional and long, we both sobbed, he was so crushed and I felt extreme guilt like I’ve never felt before. We agreed we wanted friendship but when he expressed that I was his best friend and he was afraid of being lonely, my heart just surged and wept. I tried telling him it was nothing he did, but when he made a self deprecating joke about not feeling loved I was torn apart.
This morning, he’s reached out once to meet up because he had something else to ask me, but ended up asking to move it to next week because he didn’t have the courage yet. So fast forward to tonight, I smoked to numb the pain a little and boy, did it do the opposite. I’ve been crying and throwing up nonstop for hours, I keep rereading his texts and crying out of agony and love. He was the sweetest most vulnerable boy ever, and I cannot believe I crushed him like this. He’d opened up to me about a lot, EXTREMELY vulnerable sex life things at that, and I couldn’t reciprocate the want to do that any longer. I’m so incredibly guilty, angry at myself for changing, and miss him so much.
I know I made this decision out of a calm place before I had heightened emotions and I was definitely sure about it, but as I’m typing this after crying I’m not so sure. How can I feel this horrible if I didn’t make a mistake?