A poem I wrote during an OCD flare up last month. (TW)
*TW - self harm and other OCD thoughts*
Delete if not allowed.
Just needed to vent somewhere where other people understand this demon for what it is -
Do you know how hard this is?
Listslistslistlists
So many fucking lists
To do lists
Where-is-my-money going lists
This day my Visa card comes out and in 3 days my car insurance
And then your car insurance comes out in 2 days after that
But we can’t forget the laundry, we have to do that on Sunday
And we don’t have time for anyone else because I have more lists
Lists of the people I wronged today and the people who I annoyed,
Why did I annoy them? Was it because I blushed?
Did I annoy them at all? Is it all in my head?
Why am I a bad person, why can’t I be like the rest?
Laundry, dishes, sweep the floor, clean the litter box. Vacuum.
We have to stay home all day to think about this.
Why did I say that earlier? Why couldn’t I keep from stuttering?
I don’t write down all of these things. Some lists are just for my head.
Tonight I have to pay the WiFi bill, if I don’t write it down I forget.
Cut cut cut. No, we don’t do that anymore, let’s just think about it instead.
You deserve it. No, you don’t.
You never deserved it at all.
Why do I believe her? Who said that? Who is saying this?
I must get these crumbs off the floor. Then the floor will be clean. 1+1=2.
But the voice? 1+1=70 and everything is a possibility. Nothing is off limits with her! Everything exists with her in it.
We can get cancer tomorrow and the next day my whole family will get ALS. And now because I wrote that, they will!
Please keep my family safe, God,
And don’t forget the ice tray in the freezer tomorrow morning.
Keep pushing on that random lump in your neck so the cancer goes away!
Come on, that’s not cancer. Stop it.
Don’t forget to feed the cat. Don’t forget the oil change in 1000 miles.
Don’t forget you hurt that person yesterday and don’t forget that they hate you. Don’t forget everyone knows you’re awkward and can’t talk properly.
Don’t forget that time is moving. Every second is moving forward. There’s no time to be in the present.
It’s a full moon tomorrow, don’t forget to wear your special necklace. Or you’ll have a terrible day.
You can’t forget you’re weak and ridiculous. Remember someone told you that last week?
Was it you or was it me? Who said that?
I don’t know.
I sound crazy!
I’m not crazy. She is me and it is we.
Sometimes we can’t separate the two.
I know who I am without her.
She always comes back and I can’t help but believe her. I lean in to listen.
There’s a threat and she’s just warning me.
Now I live in fear of everything.
Our two scariest things are the pile of laundry and that our whole family is going to die. The third is that I have always had cancer and I just don’t know it and I’m waiting to die.
She is the cancer!
And I can’t differentiate the threat. It’s all the same. It all feels like terror.
The dishes and my cancer feel just the same to me. I can fix the first by making sure they’re done and I can fix the second by praying or googling or visually cutting myself because no you don’t have cancer you fucking idiot why do you think that?
When she’s gone, though, and it’s just me,
I can see again,
But right now I don’t need a lecture, it would be a favor if you could just rip out her thoughts instead and shred them up!
What other way is there? I’ve tried them all and then I end up stuck again. No one wants to listen to me.
I just sound delusional and maybe I am. I want someone to love me unconditionally no matter what because that is a promise and a certainty.
Did you say sorry earlier? Yes, I said sorry twenty six times today. But did they hear it?
Saying sorry always fixes everything.
If I say sorry the problem is fixed. If I don’t say sorry I am bad.
I am in constant fight or flight because of her. I always said I wanted another brain.
I always thought of every possibility of every occurrence and which way it could go. Up right left down diagonal loopdy loop I have thought of every direction!
So much so that it keeps me stuck. In the same spot. Afraid to do anything or leave my house.
Do you know how hard this is? When your very being convinces you that every choice you make is the wrong one?