I (40f) have been diagnosed with adhd and dyslexis since I was 6 Years old. This was when half the doctors only thought adhd was a boy trait.
I am high functioning, have two graduate degrees and three kids and manage all of the house hold mental labor.
My husband, 43M, is probably neurodivergent but never diagnosed. He is a physician and is very smart, but in a very focused way. Not unlike many male socialized people, he has zero idea how much work goes into household upkeep. I asked him to get tested for autism and he didn’t have it. Which wasn’t a relief.
I work part time as an adjunct professor and he is the breadwinner. This leaves most of the childcare and household duties to me. I struggle with executive functioning but can make it work if I am able to get my basic needs met: sleep, workouts, some kid free hours.
We are in the process of moving. He let me know that he is on call three weekends in a row. That left me to pack up and move out of our current home of 8 years by myself while watching 3 kids 5 and under. He refused to ask coworkers to switch with him because he didn’t want to be a pest. We have no village. When he told me he would be on call for three weeks in a row, the two weekends before the move and the weekend right after, he didn’t offer to pay for any extra support, despite being in charge of finances. A week and a half into it, when I expressed my stress at the work load before me and the lack of appreciation for it, and my surprize he didnt suggest hiring help, he said he didn’t know you could hire help to move. and when I said I had been doing my best to not spend more than we needed to he said that was a good impulse.
To be fair he helps with the kids when he is home. He will pick them up while I pack, after his workout. He will watch the kids while I cook. He usually drills our 3 and 5 year old in reading and math or watches tv with them while I cook and laundry and pack.
Here is where it gets dicey. I deal with substance abuse. I self medicate with wine and cigarettes when I am flooded and overwhelmed.
This isn’t my baseline, but with everything going on, recently it is pretty present. If I can get 6 hours of sleep, a work out every other day and a couple hours to myself a week, all my ‘addictions’/ read self medications disappear. I have several multi-year periods where I don’t struggle with substance abuse.
Unfortunately, despite many heart to hearts and explicit conversations, years of evidence, &etc. my husband treats my substance abuse like an I am a stereotypes of an alcoholic.
I am high functioning, kind and involved in our family while tipsy. I am not a drop down drunk, a rageful drunk.
I just self medicate in ways that are unhealthy and self destructive. I was giving alcohol and cigarettes at a very young age and these are old pathways that come up when I can’t use my healthy coping skills. A lot of this behavior comes with adhd, childhood trauma, anxiety. I don’t drink for fun or socially. It isn’t part of my routines usually or a social dynamic. I was sober and cigarette free for months from November through February when I was able to workout and sleep because my husband had a reduced work schedule. i didnt miss it. I don’t see alcohol or cigarettes as friends. They are huge sources of deep shame for me.
Due to my pushing, my husband is now in therapy. And from what he relates, his therapist thinks I need to go to outpatient treatment. His therapist seems to support a traditional addict, alcoholic as personality trait framework that doesn’t feel like it fits my situation . I also have a therapist, with a background on neurodivergence and substance abuse and trauma who doesn't agree and thinks I just need more support. She doesn’t condone my behavior but helps me find self compassion. When I lament I am failing at being healthier she emphasizes I am overstretched and to find ways to self regulate.
The past few weeks have been hell. It is the end of my semester so I have more work to do, my baby has been sick, and I have had to get ready for the move. I have zero chance to work out, or pack while the kids are awake and my mental load is off the charts.
I created a shared list of what needs to be done, highlighted the priorities and shared it with my husband. His way of helping is to ignore the list, ask me directly when he has time and ignore what I ask him to do.
Last Friday he got out of work early, he ignored the list, asked me what to do and when I listed three different suggestions, told me he would do them later. They all involved him taking care of his own stuff.
Not to mention, he is painfully incompetent. I asked him to pack up a cabinet which contained stacking glass mixing bowls and ceramic bakeware. He put them is a reusable grocery bag without any of the paper packing material to pad and protect delicates.
Today, after packing and childcare nonstop from 6:30 Am I picked up some wine and drank it while I prepared dinner, folded laundry and packed. He picked up the kids and sat on the couch watching tv with the kids and made snide remarks about be taking beaks to smoke.
I don’t smoke in front of the kids, or drink wine out of anything but a coffee mug. I try and avoid them seeing me tipsy and hide my smoking as much as possible. My 5 year old asks sometime why I go downstairs sometimes, but otherwise I usually pair it with bathroom breaks and laundry. I wear a smoking coat and hat and washy hands and face when I am done smoking to reduce third hand smoke.
I am at my limit in mental load, in many ways which my husband could have reduced and I feel so angry when he judges me drinking. If I had more support it wouldn’t be an issue.
i know his being on call and working not stop for three plus weeks in a row is awful. I try so much to make allowances because his situation is terrible. I know he is strung out too. it just sucks that I try and empathize with his situation while I feel like he just villainizes my maladaptive coping mechanisms he in large part necessitated.
I guess I want to know, is my alcohol really the problem
Or is my husband inconsiderate, oblivious to how to the stresses I take on, unwilling to meaningfully mitigate them and weaponize my substance abuse against me.
Is my alcohol the actual problem? yes or no?