Meredith made the right choice
Doing a rewatch and just ended the first episode where Penny starts working at the hospital. MAN my opinion on this shifted.
Last time I watched through - like 4 years ago - I was of the belief that Amelia and Meredith both handled Derek's death poorly but overall Meredith f-ed up by not calling. Amelia was hurt and Penny needed better training.
But on a rewatch? Amelia WAY overstepped at almost every possible moment. And Meredith mostly just reacted to that. I despise this part of Amelia's character.
Meredith had more important things on her mind that night. (The kids' well-being WAS more important.) I wouldn't have called Amelia either: To protect my kids. The mentally unwell aunt being at the hospital, scream crying at doctors and confusing the kids by insisting she could save him? Only to have to unplug him anyway? Absolutely not. And there is nothing in the show previously or after that suggests Amelia would do literally anything other than exactly that.
She was *insistent* that Meredith should have been thinking of her first, and not herself or her kids. Should have been thinking of a family that made no real effort to visit her husband or her kids in their 8 ish years of marriage. Family that lives across the country except for one, that SHOULD NOT BE THERE. Which, thinking of my husband on the table, already dead but being kept alive by a tube: pull the plug. Make sure the memorial service honors the family that couldn't be there because this was a freak thing.
Not to say Amelia wasn't entitled to have deep, agonizing, cloying grief. She absolutely was. But the way she pinned her emotions and the responsibility for them all on Meredith was unacceptable. And people who make excuses as to why it's okay probably aren't big on people with very strict boundaries around themselves.
Every time a reminder popped up? Meredith's fault. Meredith wanted to sell HER OWN house, because the memory was too much? Should have spoken to Amelia first for permission. To Amelia, Meredith was wholly responsible for shouldering Amelia's grief first and foremost, and she made sure to let her know that at every turn. I cannot believe it took Meredith being cornered while having CPTSD flashbacks to finally lose it at her.
Tl;dr:
They were not "equally wrong". Meredith shouldered and moved through her own grief, and her children's grief. Amelia expected Meredith to carry hers.