Petty Revenge Against Girlfriend Theif
Now technically, what I did was in fact illegal. However, the statute of limitations has expired. I don't know the exact date of when this happened, sometime in '08 or '09, can't narrow it down much further than that. If I sat down and really thought about it, perhaps I could narrow it down, but I don't really feel like it as it wasn't exactly a happy time of my life.
So, the location was a local Pizza Joint where I was working at the time. So local, there was actually no deliery from that place. I had to deal with a number of phone calls from Karens (before they were called Karens) bitching and whining that we didn't deliver, well what do you expect from a local singular location. I'm not going to name the business- as I said, local ma and pa type business - and the last time I drove by the location the old business is closed down and someone else has moved in. Now of course they could've packed up and moved to a different location, or perhaps they liquidated the business and shut down permanently.
On this particular day, aside from me there was two other people working that day. A server (not naming them, more just a background character) and the Assistant Manager (I'll just call him Boss for the sake of the story, as he actually does have a role to play here). And this particular day, wasn't too slow but wasn't so slammed that I was falling behind on orders. Those whom have worked fast food places know, there are peaks and valleys to how busy most days are and this particular few minutes was more of a valley.
I had worked there almost two years in total, and at the point of the story, whenever a new order popped up on the order screen, I knew exactly who placed it without looking. This day though, I heard the *ding* but I could tell no one had placed the order. After all, Boss was at the register taking money and counting out change (couldn't be him) and the server was out in the dining area taking care of customers (obviously couldn't be them), and I know I didn't place it so...what the hell. I look up at the screen: online order. Keep in mind this was the late 2000's, so online orders were a very new thing. I'm sure today with all the ways to order online (through so many different apps) a day without an online order would be weirder.
Normally there would be nothing wrong with that, except I could see on screen whomever ordered online was able to order something that we didn't have. While in person we could tell someone we didn't have certain things, the online section (made by someone who didn't even work the place) had several things we didn't even carry. And of course no matter how many times we tried to tell them to take certain things off of the website, they always said 'later, later, later'. But later never came. I turned around to tell the boss there was something on screen we didn't have, and he let out the understandable exhausted sigh since this wasn't even the first time it happened.
So since the part of the order that could be made was on screen, I started. But as I started it my *seventh sense* starts tingling. I shake it off, and make the order as is available and throw it into the oven. A few more orders on screen, I knock those out quickly, and start wiping down before more orders come in.
Now before I continue, let me provide some background context to explain why I did what I did. Like I said, I don't have an exact timeline of what happened on what particular day, week, or even exact month, shortly before this my girlfriend of the time was stolen out from under me (pretty much literally) by someone I considered to be a damn good friend. Someone (I thought) I could joke around with, tell stories, laugh with, confide in on certain subjects, etc. To make a long and somewhat complicated story short, after the stealing I told them both to f off and never speak to me again.
Now back to my work. As I was wiping down the line, my *seventh sense* starts tingling again reminding me of the online order. In order to satisfy my curiosity, I go up to the main register which has more details than just what food and customizatons for pizza. And whose name do I see on the order, but the lowlife P.O.S. that just stole my girlfriend out from under me. Craziest part: he KNEW I worked there. It wasn't some big secret where I worked. In fact before our falling out, there were several times I to tell him I couldn't hang out since I was working a shift.
As I see the screen, I do a double take. But sure enough, that was his name. Not as though it could be someone else as his name was farily unique. The boss that was on shift this night, was most certainly one of the absolute best bosses I've ever worked with. He already knew the story of my ex and everything that happened.
Me: "Hey Boss. You remember that piece of work that just stole my girlfreind not too long ago?"
Boss: "Yeah...?" Probably wondering why I'm bringing this up again.
Me: "He is the one that just placed that order."
Boss: "A-are you serious?"
Me: "Yeah...." *Looking around to make sure no customers are within earshot* "Do you mind if I spit in that pizza?"
Boss: *Handing the pizza in the box to me* "Take it in back where no one can see you."
So I take it in the back far away from any prying eyes, windows, or doors, where no one can see me and I spend a couple seconds gathering what I consider to be a helathy amount of spit and shoot my loogie smack dab into the middle of the pizza. A moment later, Boss comes to the back to inspect my work.
Boss: "Wow, that really looks like you just spit into it. We need to move it around to blend it in."
Then the food stayed in the box in the waiting area. Last part of the story: this little bitch's balls shrunk so damn much, he had to send 'mommy' to pick up his food for him.
Now as I said, what I did was technichally illegal. It would be considered 'food tampering'. However, as I also said, this took place sometime in '08 or '09. And the statute of limitations on food tampering would be up to two years. So I can confess to something like this without worrying about any prosecution.
Lesson of the day: steal my girlfriend? Enjoy my spit in your food!