u/DogOnTheBeach

Inhaling hazy smoke in your lungs just to escape reality for a couple of hours. Overwhelming your brain with a daily overdose of dopamine. Risking getting cancer or a heart disease. Risking getting caught (if not legal). Risking your mental health. And lying to yourself that it’s all justified and not that bad. Wasting money, wasting time. Worrying when the supply goes out. Going through withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, Paranoia, Anger, Shame, Mood Swings, Grogginess, Bad Sleep, Red Eyes, Dry Mouth, Bad smell, Binge Eating, Isolation, Laziness.

Is it really worth it?

It’s 100 days for me and I’ve been at this point a couple of times, still I always get sucked in in the circle of addiction.

I’ve been an everyday smoker for about 10 years. Now it’s been more than 3 months since I smoked the last time (new years) and it’s been quite ok. Over the last two years I’ve had a couple of periods where I stayed sober for an extended period (more than 50% of the time actually). I hardly get withdrawal symptoms anymore and it’s not a big deal anymore. I enjoy smoking but I also can live without it. Kind of.

I’m living in a country where cannabis is not legal. My main motivation isn’t getting rid of the habit but not having a direct plug. I’m kind of an introvert person and always got it through someone who got it directly from someone else. Now it’s gotten even harder to get it and I feel ashamed bothering people. Also it doesn’t make sense for me just having a small amount, I want all or nothing. I’ve had my low points where I bought some shady stuff on the streets and always regretted it. I always had a really hard time when weed was running out so I decided I won’t bother anymore and accept being sober. All or nothing.

The problem is that I don’t stay sober. Instead I’m drinking alcohol regularly and lately I’m craving weed again. I think about all the fun experiences. Treating it like a hobby. Hiding in the woods and smoke, riding my bike and smoke, go for a night walk and smoke. All the stuff that dominated my day. Weed made me a slave. It made me anxious, I got heart palpitations, it made me smell bad, I was worried about getting in a traffic check and getting tested for drugs (I’ve never been driving the same day I was smoking but the test could be positive even 3 months later).

And every time I got my hands on it after a couple months of being sober I came to the conclusion that it’s not even worth it. I felt disoriented and the negative effects outweighed the positive effects. Socializing and listening to people was challenging.

Without the devils lettuce I achieved more, I made a album, sleep better and have better hygiene (not a single day without flossing).

Still I wish that I could smoke. Today I contacted an old friend just for the sake of getting weed. He told me that he’d rather not get in touch with his dealer because it’s kind of risky right now (the plug is a lunatic). I feel kind of relieved and also like a weak bastard who’s using other people to satisfy his needs.

I know that I have to solve my deeper problems (probably adhd or autism) and stop self medication but I can’t help but romanticize that plant. It feels like a summer without smoking is a waste of life. And I think about growing my own plants when I’m old and grey. It’s ridiculous thinking about other people don’t take any substances at all and are probably still happy.