I’m a single mom with bpd
Hi there
So I have three kids, 17yo, 5yo and 2yo ( last one was a surprise) all boys.
I’ve been struggling a lot in the past 6-7 years. I’ve got my diagnosis 3-4 years ago and I’ve been in group therapy for a year and a half now, I did DBT while being pregnant with my last.
Being aware of my BPD and dealing with it is pretty recent.
I would say that what’s being eating me up lately is :
if I had known sooner, about my BPD I wouldn’t have had my two youngest. Don’t get me wrong. I love them with all my heart and they are amazing boys.
I just feel like I’m ruining their life and I feel like they deserve a better, mom. I am doing my best, but being aware of my BPD is a blessing and a curse.
Why I say only my two youngest because I have a really good relationship with my eldest and even though I wasn’t aware of my BPD I was always transparent with him about how I was feeling and over the years we build really good communication. He’s almost an adult now and even if we have our hiccups that relationship does feel healthy on both side and also I wasn’t a single mom at the time.
My relationship with my five year-old is already a bit strained. All because of me…
I do have a lot of trigger with him mostly because of my childhood and how he resemble me a lot when I was younger. It wasn’t the easiest growing up for me and my brain did that wonderful thing to protect me which is make me forget about most of my childhood and with my five year-old most of those memories are triggered back into my life, which makes me sometimes act out…
I do know that it’s not his fault and I’m working really hard to make him know that he is not to blame for mommy’s behavior and mood swings, but still he shouldn’t receive the bad end of those triggers which is a mom that self isolate and grow distance until she figure it out.
My other struggle with him is that he is a high maintenance kid. He is very smart, curious and very goal driven. He will stop at nothing to achieve what he has in mind. Which are wonderful trait for a person. But for a mom who’s trying to contain and keep him alive. It is very draining and add BPD on top of that I just feel very inadequate and I’m really scared of ruining this beautiful boy I just don’t want him to be in his late 30s miserable and in therapy because of his childhood just like me.
My two year-old is way easier and a really lovely kid. I’m seeing the struggle that I have with my five year-old and I’m just scared of doing the same with him.
They just deserve better the three of them…
Also why do I have to feel everything so deeply and why am I so sensitive. It is so tiring to check every reaction every thought and have to ask myself. Is this reaction/thought normal? Being a parent is already so demanding, doing it single is very lonely and on top of it I have this BPD diagnosis. I really feel like I’m drowning and I’m working so hard to get out of the water but Im only managing to keep my head out and I’m barely surviving….
I’ve seen a lot of post about how horrible it was for kids to grew up with a BPD parent and I am terrified that this is how my kid will feel in a couple years. I am doing the work. I am being aware. I am going in therapy, I am seeking help, I am taking my medications but I am terrified that that won’t be enough.
Sorry that was a very long post