Struggles with Incompetence (long vent + other personal issues)
Does anyone else here struggle with feeling incompetent? I can't stand being a failure, yet I've been the embodiment of one my entire life. I fear being incompetent, worthless and vulnerable so much that when I try to combat it and don't get it right automatically, I resort to self harm, and make deep lacerations into my arm just to feel a short-lasting relief from it all.
It's gotten to the point where I enjoy pain, because it feels like a toll for just existing, It's like the sting of a wound cures the crippling sense of unease that comes with just being me. The warm ache of a bruise feels so comforting, and I can't stop. Hitting an artery or arteriole makes me feel so complete in a way I've never felt before in a life as pathetic as mine, and I know I won't be able to stop.
Engaging in anything hurts because it confirms incapacity, so I end up escaping and collapsing- although that just confirms failure as well. I feel like I'm at a lose lose situation here, and I don't know what to do about it. My existence in itself feels like a faulty error, and I genuinely wish I was aborted.
Pain has always been a strange topic to me, even since I was a child. Not always inflicted upon myself, either. I used to "experiment" on and kill small animals to feel a rush of control, power or competence when I was little. I got this rush, or weird feeling of satisfaction while I buried them in sand or dirt. I remember telling my therapist only about the animal part- but not the feeling, and before I could continue, she just looked at me with pure disgust for a split second before going back to her usual look.
I don't harm animals anymore, and I haven't in a long time. The urges to have lessened- but not gone away completely. They typically get stronger the more unwell I get, but I've been able to ignore them for multiple years now. I suspect I started harming animals in the first place because I originally had a loss of control and trauma, resulting on me taking it out on animals. Doing that gave me the power I lacked severely from being sexually abused.
^If you have children, please teach them about sexual education and consent.