Today I realized how meaningless and empty my life was. I'm 19 years old and for context, I spent all my high school years in solitude to the point that I spoke to absolutely no one.
I wasn't always like this but it all started when I went to live with my father 6 years ago. And since then, it has been a terrible descent into hell.
I first started to develop very severe social anxiety (I always had it but not as much) then I began to experience harassment and received no support from anyone.
When I returned home in the evening I systematically cried and dreaded the next day.
I then started to develop a school phobia but my parents only thought it was a teenage crisis and that it was temporary.
My father always made me go to classes so I had no choice but the days I spent in high school were very painful for me.
Little by little I began to lose the desire to do anything and I was often criticized for being sullen because I had empty eyes and a sad expression.
When I got out of high school and went to college, I was finally able to meet people, but honestly, every time I'm around them, I'm constantly playing a role. I feel like I no longer feel anything and have become completely cold and distant from others.
In addition, I also have a permanent feeling of derealization which is very debilitating on a daily basis because I feel detached from everything. During this period, I received almost no support from my parents.
My father took advantage of my weaknesses to put me down and tell me how weak and pathetic I am and my mother lives quite far from here so I almost never see her and when she calls me she tells me about all her problems but never asks how I'm doing.
I have a really hard time staying positive and sometimes I think about death and think that would be a solution.
By the way, sorry if my English sounds a bit robotic but I used google translate to write this text :')