u/Divine-Sorceress-13

I was just here a few days ago bragging about my husbands small win after going to meetings for a few weeks. He felt like he was improving and opening up more. He was going to meetings on his own and initiating FANOS.

He relapsed today. And he has been so mean to me. I can’t believe it. It’s like the more time passes with this, the meaner he is when he relapses. He told me he doesn’t want me and called me ugly. (I’m not.) He threatened divorce the last time he relapsed and is doing the same thing this time. I am shocked at how serious and angry and horrible he’s being?? I’ve been so patient and am doing all the right therapeutic things. I’ve been hurting and grieving and I can’t believe the father of my 3 babies is behaving this way. Oh and he wish he never had kids with me. Horrific things. I’m stunned.

I feel this is my limit. I’ve been quietly detaching and doing my own healing alongside his and I just….cant anymore.

How did I let myself beam with pride for his progress just 2 days ago? I have given it the good old college try and I am done. I’ve realized I cannot stay for my kids even if I want to.

I’m always complaining here. So I wanted to just say a small win.

My partner hasn’t used p in 25 days. He’s had many short streaks in our long journey to this point, but none accompanied with 12 step meetings until now. He’s been doing more rooted recovery efforts since January and just started 12 step this month. It’s been absolute hell over the last several months - hell years - if I’m being honest…but he’s going to meetings every single day now and I’m shifting to a more independent approach to healing.

Anyway, today I could feel the tension. It’s always palatable, in the air, ya know? When he’s struggling with urges, I can feel it in his mannerisms. I just can. I have been paranoid today and kind of bracing for impact.

Guys he actually came to me and told me he wanted to watch p, handed over his phone, went to a meeting, then went to workout. I checked in with him after and he said he’s not feeling triggered and that the meeting really helped him recalibrate. Said he’s good now.

And tbh, his energy has completely shifted from this morning. He seems at ease and in a decent mood.

I’m still working on my own healing and detachment and idk what’s next honestly…we’re day by daying it right now. But this is new and feels like a win.

I’ve been asking for him to go to 12 step for a long long time. He felt it was too over the top for his issue. But there’s something to it. It’s helping him to share and hear others.