u/Dittlio

Hi everyone! I need a place to vent out my frustrations a bit. I am AMAB (23) and I feel wrong. To preface, I have only told one friend about possibly being genderfluid and he is supportive but doesn't really know what to say when I try to talk about it. I am living with my parents, who have never been the most supportive of LGBTQ+ (especially anything involving gender), but have been more loving and supportive since I came out as bisexual.

I'm pretty sure I am genderfluid or transfem in some form. I say pretty sure because if I could be transformed into a girl, I would without hesitation. Gendered pronouns and being misgendered has never bothered me. If someone calls me "ma'am", I jump a bit but it's not a bad feeling, just unexpected, especially since I am built like a tall man and have been called by "he/him" my entire life.

I feel especially awful when I look into the mirror. I'm thin but huge. My shoulders are wide and I stand at around 6'3". My face is sharp and my Adam's apple bulges out immensely. These are all things I can't change and they leave me in tears. I try to put on girly clothes when I'm alone but it hurts more. I can't relax in it and I feel like I look so ugly, even though I think the top is adorable (As I am typing this in tears, I'm kind of realizing I'm probably describing gender dysphoria). The only "feminine" piece of clothing I love is a shirt I tore at the collar to hang off my shoulder. To me, it's perfectly cute and comfortable.

I am so beyond terrified of being feminine publicly and I admire all of the femboys/transwomen/feminine-gendered-presenting-people I see in public or on social media. I want to try on pretty makeup but I can't even walk into the makeup section of a Walgreens without internally panicking that someone can see this hulking "man" there. I have only worn blush for makeup and only wore it publicly once. I had to wear a backwards cap to help balance it out and I was still terrified. I also don't even know how I'd begin to explain to my friends my confused identity and ask to try out "she/her" pronouns.

My biggest fear is my doubt. What if, I go through all the motions of socially transitioning, and I'm not a girl and don't want to be referred to as or seen as a girl? What if I never like how I look? What if my friends don't understand and stop talking to me?

I know that the solution to all of this is to keep testing the waters and bite the bullet. I'm not really asking for advice, I kind of just needed someone to listen so thank you for reading this.