Hello everyone,
I thank you in advance for taking the time to read if you choose to, and for sharing if you feel able.
I am 32f, new to reddit, and this is my first post. This is my attempt to lay out my particular configuration and see whether anyone recognizes themselves in it.
For context, I score very high on BPD traits through formal assessment. At present BPD has the strongest explanatory power for what I experience. I am currently in one of the hardest periods of my life. I have known depression and anxiety for years, and I have a history of early instability and repeated adverse experiences, but this feels different.
Three and a half years ago I met someone. I was fascinated by how he saw the world, and instantly began thinking about how I could help him realize his goals. I redirected a large portion of my energy toward him without questioning whether that was appropriate. I also admired him for qualities I did not have, and felt proud that I could contribute something to his life. In hindsight this feels like a mix of self devaluation and idealization of the other, and I do not know how to stay balanced in that dynamic.
We continued seeing each other but I kept some distance, as I was not ready to commit and wanted to focus on my own life. Despite that, he was emotionally intense from the start, which both unsettled and drew me in. He expressed strong feelings very early, which would normally repel me, but in this case had the opposite effect. Not long after, he discovered he was bipolar. Rather than deterring me, this made him more interesting to me. I read about it, tried to support him, and we began speaking daily at length. Everything he said felt fascinating, even when I know I would have found the same content uninteresting from anyone else.
We fell in love and entered a state of deep synchrony. This is where things become difficult to articulate. There are rare moments in my life where I feel such intense aliveness and fulfillment that I think, if everything ended now, it would be enough. These moments become a standard against which everything else feels lacking. Most of life then feels like absence or failure to reach that state. I still return mentally to that period with him, replaying and reshaping it, unable to access the negative aspects emotionally. I can intellectually recall that there were problems, but I cannot feel anger or disappointment, only longing.
During that time I felt completely at home. I felt seen, accepted, and able to be fully myself. I even began to reconsider my future, including adopting interests that were originally his. To this day I cannot distinguish what genuinely belongs to me from what I absorbed through him, which has destabilized my sense of direction.
Then something shifted. I remember lying next to him and suddenly feeling intense dread and alienation, as if I were completely alone in a void, cut off from all connection. The transition was almost instantaneous. After that, things began to deteriorate. During his depressive phase I started to feel that he would not be able to support me or a future family. I never addressed this directly. Instead it became a silent assumption, and I began fantasizing about a previous partner who represented stability. These fantasies felt real and compelling, just as my current fantasies about my ex now do. I struggle to determine whether these are expressions of deeper needs or manifestations of splitting and idealization.
I withdrew emotionally. Communication broke down. External stressors added pressure. I became frustrated and overwhelmed, believing I had to manage everything. My libido dropped, I distanced myself further, and eventually suggested breaking up. When he agreed without resistance, I panicked and tried to reverse course. I proposed opening the relationship, which only complicated things further. Eventually I reached clarity, recognized my fears as my own, and felt genuinely committed to him. By then, he had already disengaged emotionally.
A traumatic external event occurred involving someone close to me. I needed support, but he was no longer available in that way. What followed was a cycle of intense push and pull from my side. I became increasingly dysregulated, desperate for reconnection, while he withdrew further. My functioning deteriorated significantly. Eventually he ended the relationship, stating he was no longer attracted to me.
Severe collapse. Intense panic, inability to eat or sleep, repeated hospital visits, complete loss of stability. I had to move back home temporarily and required external support to manage daily life. Over time I began to stabilize through medication, therapy, and structure. It has now been eight months.
Despite improvement, I remain unable to move on. I still feel that he is the only person who could make me feel that sense of home and fulfillment. I continue to idealize him and long for reconciliation. My social circle does not understand this persistence, and I recognize that from the outside it appears disproportionate, but internally it feels absolute.
I have undergone multiple forms of therapy, but only recently has BPD been explicitly considered. My current therapist is less focused on labels and more on patterns, which I understand, but I still feel a strong need to conceptualize what is happening to me.
My baseline experience of life is colored by melancholy, discomfort, and instability. Even positive emotions feel fragile or untrustworthy. I have been told I need to learn to tolerate not only negative but also positive affect, but I do not yet understand how to do this.
I am trying to understand the mechanisms at play so I can stop cycling through the same patterns. If others have experienced similar dynamics, especially this persistent inability to let go combined with intense idealization and identity disturbance, I would be very interested to hear how you have made sense of it and whether things shifted over time.