It took having kids before realizing I grew up in an abusive household. My brother and I used to go up the street to grandpa’s house when things were unstable at home and just sit in the yard underneath all the old oaks and it was our safe space. Mom was always the Safe one next to my dad, who was an alcoholic with a host of undiagnosed and volatile menace health issues (he was put in Fairfield Hills against his will back in the day as a teen and it really messed him up) so it’s been a visceral experience to realize how unwell she also is.
I had filed a protection order against my mom and her husband almost a year ago and we were no contact until three months ago. She missed my baby shower, the birth of my daughter, and now I’m trying to decide if it’s a good idea to have them meet. She’s currently homeless and working again and trying to do better; she was recently diagnosed bipolar. But she’s still with the man that tried to fight MY man over a year ago. I have this visceral homesickness for a family I no longer really have. I’d even take sitting under Grandpa’s oak trees - they feel like family I’m missing, too.
I want my kids to have healthy, supportive grandparents. I don’t know if they’ll have that. I miss feeling like my mom was the most amazing, most compassionate person in the world. I don’t recognize her anymore.
Spicy Shin Ramyun from Costco with an egg and soup dumplings