I constantly feel this self contradictory chain of thought
I wanna scream and cry, I feel so lost sometimes. I dont know why I aimed so high but sometimes I feel like I fucked my life up because I aimed so high. Im not in a bad place at all im so grateful god put me where I am but everyone around me seems to be doing just fine for themselves. Me on the other hand, im constantly beating myself up and even when i try, even when im nice to myself, doesnt matter what i do, if i dont constantly burn myself i dont see results and when i do someone else passes me. That takes the joy away. Then I just feel average again.
Im actually a selfhelp influencer commenting from an anon account and ive understood this and made videos about it before that comparison is the thief of joy. But sometimes I sit and think about it, do i really get it?
Im 22 and i feel like my life is half up. I didnt even live to my fullest cause i was hustling but if im not hustling I cant build. I actually started building financial freedom through making money off my gigs to the point where i could eat, buy regular stuff here and there, treat myself, my girlfriend nice without having to think twice. I dont wanna do it for supercars, i dont wanna do it for private jets and all that luxury. I wanna do it so my parents never have to work again, never have to worry about money again. I wanna do it so that no one who knows me ever has to think twice before ordering fucking tacos for dinner, doesnt have to think twice before buying a new pair of shoes. I want my parents to be treated fucking special but ik this world just doesnt do that. You gotta be somebody. So here I am, and i really dont know where im headed.
Being an influencer is somewhat like a 9 to 5 because instead of feeding the corporations by doing what your boss says, youre feeding the social media channels and doing what the algorithm says. If you dont, the algorithm isnt going to push it. I work so hard to keep my shit honest on social media, but any woman with a cute face surpasses me within weeks and ive been building for years. I really hate the fact im putting it this way, i never thought i would. But I cant compete with feeding peoples dopamine cycles anymore. I used to make music, but I lost that too when i started building as a creator.
Im such a different person inside my head. In my head, I give everyone compliments. Id make so many friends. Id help so many people. But on the outside im just so scared. Its not even that im scared of being judged, there are so many things I do that each of my friends thinks im extroverted cause they see me make all this content and do these gigs and they think of me as some guy who has it figured out.
My life was so different before, i was even worse than this, an absolute scared piece of shit who couldnt stand up for himself. I look back and that kid needed help man, some things he really had them rough even in his privileged life, some things he really learnt the hard way. They didnt look as big of an issue on the outside but ate me within and fragments of them still stay within me. I am so scared always, i dont even know of what. Everything is perfect, i have no reason to complain.
Every few weeks i have this major mental realization and completely change as a person with that new learning and it aint just for saying it. I have grown so much when i look back, from being a completely dependant knows nothing loser kid, to a social media influencer, i did so many freelance gigs, i fund my own side hustle now, its self sustaining. I really dont even know what im looking for honestly.