Hello, this will be a long read, I struggle with typing stuff, but I will try and explain my situation the best I can.
I will start with the very begining of my life, and how I ended up in this point that I am in right now, I belive that context from my past could be relevant. I will sort of list stuff that bothered me most I guess.
I have problems forming normal sentences, or focusing well writing them, sorry about that I have ADHD, OCD (pure) and am on the Spectrum.
I was born in Eastern Europe, where I still live now.
My dad was 50 and my mom was 35 when they made me.
Coming out of the womb, I was underweight and did not cry, normally crying is meant to signal that neurologically the baby is ok, and that there is no fluid in the lungs.
When I was then 3 my cat died to dogs, at 4, my dog died poisoned by humans, my other dog got hit by a car in the same year, also when my brother was born and when dad left.
At 6 I was diagnosed with asthma.
At 7, grandpa had tuberculosis and died in the hospital, I was the only one other than him to get the disease, but I got medicated and recovered mostly.
At school I was too friendly with other kids, and people often used that against me, bullyig me, after a while I started getting into fights, and I think that period is also when my depression began, even though it was for sure much more mild.
At 12 dad called us on the phone, I thought someone was pranking us, because his voice sounded so strage, turns out he had Thyroyd Cancer, he died shortly after.
During the beggining of Covid, grandma got sick, she also had an undiagnosed Liver Tumor, I saw her struggle for a few weeks and then at night, she got rose suddenly up and died, maybe a heart attack, I am not sure, the ambulance guys did not tell me, maybe they told mom.
They made me help them lift her up to put her in the bag and then they left.
I dont rember if before this or after, but around 10th grade I started smoking cigarettes, eveyone in my family smoked, mom, dad, grandparents, brother, uncles and well, not my cousins I guess they did not. Mom even admited to having done so while she had me in the womb, along with "drinking from time to time".
Either way, I started smoking and from that point I have been smoking a pack or so per day for the past 6 or 7 years, I would take the filter out from them, which likely made it even worse.
I was near death a few times too, fell into a lake once, almost fell from a building when I worked construction briefly and was almost stabbed at one point (I will tell that in this next part).
My brother is a weed addict, he used to be a stimulant one too, but does it less now. He often still gets into fights and stays with dangerous people.
My brother broght home a guy that was kicked out by his mother for doing all kinds of nasty stuff, he decided it would be a good idea to bring him to stay with us for some reason. I dont want to get into details, but he gave us Scabies, would often get drunk and pull out knives, set my hair on fire, and ruined the apartment.
We had to sell the aprtment later, due to the state that it was in we could not afford repairs and we also had a lot of preexisting debts that we had to pay.
We moved in a much smaller apartament, where we live at curently, me, mom and my brother.
Mom for a few years has been acting strange, she often seems to be in her own world, wispering nonsense to herself, sleeping for often less than 5 or 4 hours a night, and not responding untill I call her name 3 times, even if I am right next to her. She often does strange facial expressions, like Smiling and then an Angry face, and switching back. She does not drink much water, I pretty much have to force her to, she prefers soda or liqour.
At times she is manic, at other times somewhat normal, mostly manic though,as soon as she wakes up, she starts talking nonsense.
She also seems to not focus a lot either, again in her own world always smiling, even if its a serious situation. She smokes 1 and a half to 2 packs or cigarettes a day, one after the other.
I have medical problems, that bother me more than any of the other stuff.
I still have scabies, and had them for 2-3 years now, from that guy that my brother brought home. It is not visible because I have been abstaing from scrathing too much, but it itches, every single day, every single minute.
We all have it.
My brother does want to get treatment for that, but my mom refuses, she belives that she does not even have it.
We tried convincing her, but its useless.
I have what I belive to be EDS, this part is not diagnosed, but just every single joint hurts and it has been the case for a long time, its not just pain, it feels like I am made of carrots. I feel like a car that needs an oil change. One hand and one foot feel as if I fell on them and stayed that way, but I did not. My back feels stiff and hurts at the lower part. I have at least one confirmed hernia, but I do belive that there may be more than one, when I press on my left side I feel a bump that does not exist on the right side, and I have one under my belly too.
I am saying that they are not confirmed because the doctors will not treat me with seriosity, in the past I had health anxiety issues, and so now they think that I am imaginig things again. Like I have not been to the doctor in almost one year, yet last night I did, because under my belly I had pain, and I was feeling light headed. I am better now, so maybe it was indeed nothing, but still, I just got through the door and the doctor said "you again? What happened this time?" I told her that it could be my hernia and if she could at least look or something. She sent me home. Again, I now know that it was not something probably if I am fine after a few hours, but why not look? It still hurts now, but only if I press it, the light headedness mostly went away.
I might just pay money and go to a private thing.
I have about 660 euros that I have saved up from work.
I tried working for longer, I really did, but I had pain even sitting. It was an office job and I was doing well, I was the second best employee there, resisted for 4 moths and techically I should have had a lit more right now, but I helped with debts and got myself some food and things.
I have managed to quit smoking mostly, curently I only use one cigarette after waking up to get out of bed and one at night, well morning, I sleep in the morning.
I have fully quit caffeine for over one year now.
And alchohol, I only drink beer, that when I am not feeling like throwing up or nauseous from the hernia.
I am just using nicotine pouches at the moment, its been about 1 month of the switch to cigarettes to almost entirely nicotine pouches.
I had a period when I used to exercise before my hernia got worse.
I am eating pretty well fruit, vegetables, and enough variety of everything, fish, milk, meats, nuts. Like I dont think I lack stuff nutritionally.
Everything just hurts, my body aches and itches constanly.
Its as if I got hit by a truck and ants started crawling one me.
My mind is cluttered and I can't focus at all. I can't decide on even the most basic stuff and overthink everything, listen, I can't write anything, because my mind jumps from a thought to another and then back.
Often it feels as if my mind is empty, other times too full.
Even dreams, I have not had in way too long.
I want to do stuff, to get myself back on feet, but I just can't focus or figure stuff out, its hard having all of the disorders that I have, especially combined.
ADHD, Autism, OCD and all of the other stuff, when togheter feels like and army of thoughts that come to get me killed.
I am afraid that I will die, or that no one will know me, its hard to talk to anyone, even to myself. Its like a computer glitching typing a message that is unreadable.
When its hard to think, its hard to make choices.
I guess all I want is to get better, medically, and mentally.
I would like to have some peace, like I sometimes get when I drink beer. Or like when I am dreaming.
I would like to go somewhere, likely in nature, I like it there, but I am also afraid of wild animals.
I would like to think clearly, to be able to concentrate, to have less dizzying thoughts.
I belive that fixing my past might help me reorient myself snd find my way.
Thank you for reading this.