Can a leopard change its spots?
I know this will have been asked in a million different ways before but today I'm feeling the feels and need to let it out rather than read other people's posts.
I was in a FWB/situationship with a DA for a couple of years - we'd been friends for a long time prior. Initially he was like a best friend, protector, lover all in one. I felt so safe and seen and cared for. We knew we weren't compatible as life partners, mainly because of his avoidance and unreliability, so never entered anything officially (and I knew there were other women). In spite of all this it felt like we had a deeper connection and there was trust and respect there that transcended all that stuff and that we would always care about and for each other. I'd never felt so wanted or cared for by a man before (or since). It wasn't necessarily because of huge grand-gestures that would have led to the love-bombing red flags, more he gave me a sense he genuinely adored me in a very understated and safe way, that he was always there, always interested, always thinking of me, always wanting me - just as I was. And that underneath the chaos and busy-ness of his life, I was his safe place and he was mine, and that was solid.
After a while I definitely felt him gradually distancing. I can put my finger on when I felt it but not necessarily why. We were still in touch most days, he was still nice enough to me, but it felt different. He was no longer craving me or desperate to see me, his visits to me were when it was convenient rather than specifically carved out. I felt more like another plate to spin or responsibility to manage. Obviously I tried to ask him about it and obviously he said all the right things that nothing changed. I guess I always only had part of him rather than the whole of him - and I was ok with that - but I went from feeling like I was getting the prime cuts to getting the left-over scraps.
About 6 months after I started feeling like this he went away for work and met a girl and that's when it really changed. I knew he'd met someone before I found out, and I found out before he told me. I asked him about it a few times and he denied it. Rather than confront I just held back a bit, thinking he'd tell me eventually (stopped sleeping with him at this point obviously) because in theory we weren't a couple so he didn't have to (but still ...). Anyhow, I soon realised he wasn't going to tell me so I told him I absolutely knew - he minimised it, said she was just a bit of fun, going nowhere etc etc but very quickly she was everywhere and I was replaced. Fast forward 3 years to now (with a LOT of hell, heartbreak and tears in between - all mine), we don't speak and he and she are still together. I unfollowed him on socials but still occasionally look (I know, I know!) and they seem to be absolutely thriving, madly in love, happier than ever.
So my question - is it likely he changed for her and did I fuck things up with someone who actually had the potential to be a good partner if given a chance, who is now giving all the best bits of being with him, consistently into a relationship with someone else instead of me? Has he changed for her or will she experience what I did eventually? I know my healing has to be independent of anything that happens with them and I've been in therapy about it since, but this last week or two have just been a bit raw and I guess the whole thing feels easier to reconcile if I believe that what I'm seeing between them is just a facade and I dodged a bullet, vs if I think that she got the prize and I lost out on something special.