Hi all, not posted much on here so hope this makes sense
I (40f) and ex (42m) have a daughter together (7) who is Autistic. We have been separated for about 2.5yrs.
Not sure if this is relevant but Ex gets daughter every friday after school and every other weekend as well as a couple days in school holidays depending on how long the holidays are.
Ex has been with new gf for about 1yr and since roughly beginning of this year has started slowly introducing her to daughter. It started with a few video calls then quick 5 minute meeting. They have now had about 2/3 visits of around 4/5hours each time.
I did agree with ex introducing new gf as long as it was done slowly and could change if daughter is struggling or showing changes in behaviour. Although dad wanted to introduce gf after being together only 3 months i did ask him not to do this, which he did reluctantly listen to as i felt it was too soon in his relationship and it was his 3rd one since we split that he wanted to introduce daughter to. This was purely done as i dont feel it was fair to keep introducing new people to daughter as she is still young and with her autism doesnt take to strangers easily, though ex seems to think this was done out of malice and jealousy on my part.
Daughter also highly masks at school and around dad, and he was in denial until her diagnosis last summer.
First couple of visits daughter seems to have handled them ok. But last couple weeks her behaviour has changed significantly. She is upset going into school, most days having to be taken off me, she has started having more regular meltdowns over everything usually resulting in her throwing things, screaming, crying, hitting others etc. She is also showing changes in her eating habits, eating less and only wanting specific things. Her sleep is disturbed, shes normally pretty good sleeper, but shes trying to keep herself awake at night, calling me into her room every few minutes and waking up to get in my bed.
I have tried talking to daughter to try and see if there is something upsetting her but she just says "i dont know" or " i dont remember" to when i ask her how she is feeling, even with general how was school type questions.
As today is friday i only drop her off to school and after school dad is planning to take her to spend time with new gf which i told daughter (told her a couple times during week as well to prepare her) as she likes to know routine and what is happening. she was dragging her feet saying didnt want to go in to school as we walked into the grounds, i tried distracting her by saying about dad taking her to splash park after school today, and i do this most fridays to remind her of her routine and its normally met with excitement (I didn't mention gf) as she loves spending time with dad and distraction usually works. Today though it didnt work. She said she didnt want to go into school today, i asked her why and i expected to be met with the usual i dont know response but she said she wanted to see both me and daddy together but cant.
He seems to think i am making alot of her meltdowns and other behaviours like stimming up as he doesnt see them and thinks i am using it to stop him from taking daughter to see gf. Alot of the responses i get when i tell him things are "she doesnt do/say that around me" and "are you sure thats what happend/what daughter said". Like he did when i told him about this morning.
I feel like i am banging my head against a wall trying to get him to listen to me. I am not saying to stop visits just go slower. But as i said he thinks its me being malicious and jealous.
I have tried getting daughter to talk to him and encourage her to talk to both of us about how she feels. She has struggled in the past with telling dad no with things she doesnt like or want to do (she is not a fan of hugs and kisses and dad insists on daughter still giving them and doesnt read her reactions of her pulling away or being reluctant to do this, which resulted in me telling him she doesnt like it and resulted in a row.)
How do i get him to listen to me and believe what i am saying, and how do i help my daughter cope with this difficult and new situation and encourage her to tell me and dad how she is feeling about things. Any advice is greatly appreciated