I’m writing here looking for some advice on whether my relationship is salvageable or not.
I (F28) have been with my boyfriend (M31) for almost 7 years. We got engaged after a year, but ended the engagement about a year later because we realized we weren’t ready for marriage. Within the last year the marriage topic has re-surfaced, with him wanting us to make a decision soon on if we marry or separate. Over the years, we’ve had our share of issues, but we’ve both worked on them and grown. That progress is the main reason I’ve stayed optimistic, but lately I just feel defeated.
Our biggest conflicts right now are around money, work, and time together.
Financially, he’s not great. Over the years I’ve lent him over $10,000. He’s paid back all but about $1,500, which he will repay. But he’s always had debt (school, medical, credit cards, etc.), while I have none. I’ve told him I don’t want to get married while he still has significant debt because I don’t want to be financially responsible for everything. He responds by saying I “only care about money,” which isn’t true. I just want stability, especially if we’re talking about building a future and having a family.
Another layer to this is that his dad was very sick for years and passed away last month. It’s been incredibly hard on him, which I completely understand, and I’ve tried to be there for him. But it feels like nothing I do is enough now.
He thinks I work too much and don’t prioritize him enough. My schedule is pretty full, I work 7:30–5 M–F, I’m involved in multiple local boards (including running community events), I train as a marathon runner, and I’m renovating a house mostly on my own. I also attend Mass 2–3 times a week plus Sundays. We live about 25 minutes apart, and most of my activities are actually in his town. I do try to see him whenever I’m already there (ex, going to Mass at 6pm and then spending time with him afterward) but he gets upset and says he feels like an “along the way” stop. He doesn’t have a structured schedule, so he gets frustrated when I always want to leave around 8pm to go home and prepare for the next day.
I also try to include him in my life and invite him to things I’m doing, but he doesn’t enjoy those things. It makes it feel like he doesn’t actually want to participate in my life, but also isn’t satisfied with the time I give him. He also feels that weekends should be reserved entirely for him. My idea of quality time is something like dinner and a movie, or spending part of a day together doing normal things. But even when we go to Mass together or spend time with mutual friends, he doesn’t count that as “real” time together.
He does do an amazing job supporting me. He almost always shows up for me at my runs. He comes to the concerts I host in my town and is always present at events I host. That’s part of why I question everything, because he does show up for me, and I wonder if I’m doing the same for him.
At the same time, right now he seems very depressed. Outside of occasionally working landscaping jobs, he mostly just lays around or spends time with his mom and sister. I don’t know if what I’m seeing is who he is right now because of grief, or if this is just how things are going to be long-term. I’m scared to leave because I’m 28 and feel like I’d be starting over. But I also don’t feel happy, and I don’t know if I will be if things stay like this. I feel stuck between losing someone who’s been my whole life for 7 years and the fear of being alone, and the reality that I’m not fulfilled in this relationship anymore.
Any advice or perspective would really help. Thank you.