Life been rough
I’m 15M, I made this account just to make a post on here and try to get some help, I’ve seen others do posts about their life so I’ve got a lil inspired to try to get a little help.
I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start where I think the beginning was, I’ve always hated myself, maybe I just been conscious of it since I was 9. Since then I’ve always been very insecure and have a lack of self confidence, I hate the way I look, the way I am, the way I think. I don’t know why it’s always been that way, and a part of me don’t care to know, because knowing won’t solve anything, I might be because of a girl, or home issues, or just something with me mentally. But to be honest, it doesn’t really matter, nothing really matters much. I think I’ve first attempted at 9 with stuff like consuming bleach and bug sprays, at that time I mainly did it to become sick so I wouldn’t go to school, because I hated it there, I still do hate going to school, mainly because I hate being around people, or talking to people, I feel as though they see my flaws, or maybe see me how I see myself. But I know the excuse of me doing it so I can get sick so I won’t go to school is deep down I lie, and how I hoped that maybe the poison could consume me and I’ll will never have to go wake up again.
As time went on, it got worse, especially during middle school, at that time I still was going through the issues I stated previously, but than I really liked this one girl, we’ve become friends and during our entire friendship I tried to become more “attractive” I was doing the typically corny stuff a little kid would do to impress their crush aswell, but to make a long story short, she never liked me, not even a little bit. I feel like it’s so pathetic to let a girl’s perspective on you really ruin your own perspective of yourself, but I happened to me, I’ve hated myself even more than ever, not particularly because she didn’t like me, just because I wasn’t chose, again. Which is so strange because I have a loving family, a family that cares about me, so why do I feel so lonely, and feel like I’m never chose, and no one loves me. During that time period I’ve wrote a note, I was planning to runaway and then go to a railroad. I remember writing about that I felt as though I was a monster or being consumed by one, a monster of grief, loneliness, and self hatred, I hated myself and hated everyone. Everything felt so empty, my heart felt hollow, like a hole is being dug from my ribs- I’ve obviously didn’t do it then, because my mom found the note, once she found it I ran in my backyard to hide, she said she haven’t read it, I thought she’s lying.
I want to go over how I feel but this is getting to long, and I’m sure no one would have the patience to read about this, but currently now I’m in 10th grade, and this has been the most depressed I’ve been in my life, I don’t want to go in the details of why, maybe because I don’t even fully understand why. But anyways, I recently have liked this one girl again, but unlike before, it’s so much more different, Infact I don’t even think I liked her, I think I just like what she represents to me in my life, she was a escape from my reality, a hope for Tomorrow, but she wasn’t mine, eventually I broke being friend with her because the pain of her presence was overwhelming
Im running out of space, but to speed it up, I’ve been struggling a lot, idk if anyone can help me, it all just feels worthless, I feel worthless.