My(FTM31) partner(M46) and I have a wonderful 9 year relationship that started out fine. I found him when he'd just gotten over a bad situationship and was ready to date again. I went into things very spoken about how I was non monogamous. This didn't phase him at all as he was the same. Cool. Over the years we've had our own partners here and there as he has needs I technically can't meet properly as they're physical and mine are more emotional. For years we've been fine. He has always been able to go find what he needs in a partner but it never lasts very long. Ive never pryed as privacy is one of our boundaries. We would talk yes but I hate seeing his heart broken so the communication didn't go far once he'd start crying. It would end in cuddling and movies with ice cream. For a metal head he's a big baby softie who's world ends without physical connection. Thats fair to me his needs are just as important as mine. I on the other hand HAVE to have emotional connection with my partners. Even if it doesnt lead to physical contact. I have had partners that lasted upwards a year or more that I never got to meet physically. But that connection made was a very strong love.
Suddenly in the last 2 years something has changed. Instead of finding actual partners he's just going for hookups. Thats still fine. If thats what makes him happy then so be it.
But the one and only partner aside from him ive had in the last 2 years I wasn't allowed physical contact with. My partner got very possessive and kept claiming it was because he didn't want me hurt. He got so possessive that I ended up cutting things off and closing down my emotional side. So that sucked.
Partner has recently been doing the hookup thing again and we discussed how that made me feel as I shut off my emotional connections and shut everyone out for him because of how tense he made things.
He told me... if he wants d*ck hes gonna go find it. So I should too. Just come home.
I pointed out I'm not in it for s*x. I crave intimacy. Ive gotten a huge heart and it just feels like theres a void.
Taking HIS advice ive been back and forth with someone and we've created a loving bond in the last month. We speak daily. Nightly. Hes poly and when not with his partner because she's away with HER partners he focuses on us. Hes very skilled in the balance of things. He gives me space if I ask for it or need it and understands I still have a primary to tend too.
Partner does not like this man. Doesn't want me near him. Has made it very clear yet unclear the last 24 hours. Says if I was to f*ck him fine but I cannot date him.
I find that unfair. I dont make rules about HIS hookups except a condom rule and at least knowing when hes headed to one as we share a child and I want to make sure our kid is taken care of if it happens to be mid day.
But suddenly after a month of no issue he doesnt want me dating. He made what he calls a "hookup only rule" and im basically not allowed to make emotional connections to who im with. I cried last night because he wouldnt listen. He wants me to cut it off and says ita because he doesnt want me to get hurt. He turned very sweet about it. Almost had me going for a bit but then made the hook up only rule and its like every sweet thing he said about not wanting to see me hurt went out the window.
I told him point blank that was not fair.
I cannot and will not just end another potentially fulfilling relationship because he just "doesnt want me hurt". Im still hurting from the last one he MADE me break off and cut all contact with.
Im feeling some kind of way about this situation.
Guy I've been talking too is not happy about the hookup only rule. Says im being manipulated and that it sounds like partner is selfish and jealous he hasn't been able to make connections the way I can and that I shouldnt back down on this one because he doesnt want to lose me. His partner has also reached out to me as support telling me its painful to watch her partner potentionally think hes going to lose me.
Im hurting myself and potentionally a great partner over MY partner not wanting me to get hurt. But will not listen to my reasoning. Idk what to do. Ive scrolled and scrolled for answers but decided maybe I should just vent and see what advice or support or criticism comes my way to see if this situation can even be saved or if im delusional or idk my heads in chaos mode and I feel like im shutting down emotionally again because I feel defeated by this stupid made up rule that makes no sense to me.
Ive never really gotten into the terms of everything so sorry if all this sounds confusing but I hope its understandable at least.