u/Different-Age-956

My husband and I recently started exploring the lifestyle. So far we’ve gone on a few couple dates that didn’t really lead anywhere, and we’ve gone to clubs where we only played together.
The issue is that he’s much more eager to dive into things than I am. I’m more of a slow-burn person emotionally, and I’m realizing this is a lot harder for me than it is for him.
Our original agreement was that we’d experience this together as a couple and not do solo play. But eventually he told me he wanted to go on a date with a married woman he’d been talking to who’s also in the lifestyle. That really caught me off guard and honestly hurt me more than I expected. I still wanted to be supportive and open-minded, so I agreed. They kissed on that date.
Afterward, I told him I wasn’t really comfortable with it, but he asked me to keep trying and give myself time to adjust. So I did. I started talking to another guy and it’s been okay, but I still don’t feel emotionally ready for any of this at the pace it’s moving.
Now my husband is going on a second date with this woman today and I’ve been an absolute wreck over it. I’ve told him this feels too fast for me. His perspective is that things have been moving too slowly and that he wants us to fully experience the lifestyle instead of staying stuck at the starting line.
But the truth is… I’m miserable right now. I’m anxious, crying, sad, and struggling with the emotional side of this much more than I expected. When I bring it up, he tells me these are “growing pains” and that I’m not fully giving it a chance yet. Maybe he’s right to some extent, but I also feel like I need things to move at a pace where I actually feel safe and okay.
I know I can’t be the only person who’s gone through this adjustment period in the lifestyle, especially when one partner moves faster emotionally than the other.
Please don’t turn this into “your husband is awful.” He really isn’t. We’re both trying to navigate something new and complicated, and I genuinely believe people can move at very different speeds with this stuff.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve experienced something similar. How did you handle the mismatch in pacing emotionally? Did it get easier? Or did you realize you needed different boundaries?