Missing the mother I thought I had this Mother’s Day
The kitty’s beans pink,
Round and perfect and soft,
Yet pounces like big cat
it’s a long one, buckle up!
Mother’s Day is approaching and I read through another person contemplating reaching out for Mother’s Day and I think I landed with my decision. But it’s hard because I’m feeling the effects of recent large gifts/support. It’s also reminding me of all the exceptional parenting I experienced - but doesn’t change the fact that I was heavily enmeshed with my mum (she took offence to having beliefs different from hers and could get angry/ try to convince you of her POV relentlessly), was told inappropriate things about adults around me as a child (that my uncle lost his virginity, I was in first grade when I was told this) and that our estrangement period began when as a teen adult living out of home I said I might like to spend half of Easter with my new girlfriends family. It was a huge shock to have been treated like the golden child but see play out the events I’ve seen happen over and over with other family members and my mum - vilify to the whole family and then never speak to them again.
The recent gifts were huge and life changing - a car and inheritance left via verbal agreement. The car wasn’t left to me, but she had negotiated for me to keep it. The inheritance was left to me, of which it was either withheld from me or I misunderstood. More info on that I’d you’re interested:
I’ve been on welfare since I moved out at eighteen, largely because I knew I probably wouldn’t live through anymore time living with my family. I think there was a time before this when my mum tried to prevent me going to work so we could keep arguing / “figuring this out” because she didn’t think it was a good idea for me to move out. I think it ended up landing on that they wouldn’t be able to support me, but it could also have been an empty threat. They also may not have even said this, and I was trying to fill in the blanks and empathise as to why my parents would be treating me that way.
I move out, they can’t and don’t support me aside from paying for my moving truck (still very appreciated) and one time that I was caught in a bind and needed help paying my rent. She guilt tripped me about it a lot at the time, which I played off as that they must really have been struggling financially. Later, my grandma passed away and wished to leave it to all the grandchildren, but I only found out after she died that this was left to me through a verbal agreement through my mother. At this point, my parents are also sending me money regularly and consistently, it’s not heaps but also not at all nothing and really helps.
So when she passes away and I speak to my mum, she says that grandma had really intended it for me to buy a house. And that since I “wasn’t ready to buy a house yet” (I had actually said I may never buy property because the housing market is so shaky right now) that she would keep it to take off some of their mortgage. She tells me I can have like 10% of it, but I say no as it might affect my welfare without being able to change my life largely.
Months pass, and the story to the rest of my family has changed to “OP refused the money so it wouldn’t affect her welfare” and that it’s “always been mine.” Later, during a no contact period (i initiated because I told her about neurodivergence before my birthday, her response made me uncomfortable so I called off the celebrations), my granddad passed away, and she’s negotiated for me to keep the car as my nephew had been living in his house years rent free. When I finally did get my inheritance, it was also a bit lower than she had told me I had to begin with, but it wasn’t noticeable enough for me to bother bringing it up and deal with the ramifications of bringing it up.
But all of this makes me feel i should reach out on Mother’s Day, even though I think I’d rather be keeping no contact. But then, I wince knowing what I might get from not acknowledging the date. I wince from knowing what will happen if i do - the last time i sent a gift/flowers during a period of no contact she said she wouldn’t eat the chocolate till we spoke about everything because it doesn’t reflect our relationship. I asked her after the birthday celebration to talk through it and basically tell her some hard truths about our relationship, but she refused to do it via a call even after I explained stress can make my autoimmune disease flare up. She said she’d only talk in person, and that we were in a stalemate. She has told me in the past that when she’s angry with me she doesn’t love me, and I think it’s helped through a spot were I’ve pointed out her hurtful behaviour, to reassure her that I’m hurt but it doesn’t change that I love her. So, that also makes me think, should I send a text acknowledging the day or flowers, to let her know I haven’t forgotten her or does it just confuse the no contact wish?
I kind of know that the gifts she’s given me aren’t true gifts, but a fresh set of eyes who have like experiences on this whole situation would be greatly appreciated
Early in my teen adult life we tried to smooth things over with a calls, and she told me on one occasion no she doesn’t love me when she’s angry with me, and the other time she told me she was happy i had been too anxious to eat for days when she was ignoring me. I just feel like a brat - am I being too hard on her and she’s trying or am I still trying to normalise her behaviour?
I guess I just miss the mum I thought I had