TW: mention of childhood abuse and spiritual abuse.
For the majority of religions and spiritual teachings, ego death is seen as virtue.
Whether it is the Buddha teaching detachment from the self. Jesus teaching self sacrifice, loving your enemies and turning the other cheek. Confucius teaching humility and community service. For the violent and chaotic times these men lived in, these were revolutionary ideas…. for men.
For women under patriarchy, it wasn’t that much of a change. It remains not that much of change. Whether it’s new age spiritualism or revivalism or psychedelics or mysticism. The highest virtue seems to be placed on letting go of the ego and centering the needs of your community.
The dissolution of the self and serving of my community came really naturally to me. I am the eldest daughter. My parents were both violent, I learned to turn the other cheek before I could speak. When I told our spiritual leader about the need for me to study and how all the chores expected was really exhausting. He said that that God would make sure I was rewarded with good grades for being so selfless and heaven for my patience.
My parents were also financially abusive, they both had access to my account until I was 24. My dad would regularly use my salary for “charity”. I remember trying to save for post graduate course that would get me a promotion and my dad sent my savings to his cousin back home so his cousin could pay his tuition. Both my parents and all my family members told me that “my self less act” would be rewarded by God. Especially as my cousins degree would feed him and his family.
When I left my abusive family. I didn’t feel at peace, I didn’t feel equanimity. I felt like a traitor and I felt betrayed. I explored many faith traditions, spiritual practices, had many mind expanding experiences and every time, all I could feel was resentment, choking me alive. I felt so much guilt. I had given everything and now I had to give more? What was wrong with me?
I started going to trauma informed therapy. It was really hard and unforgiving. The more I unpacked, the bigger my anger and resentment grew. Then I stumbled on ‘Leaving My Father's House by Marion Woodman’. It changed my entire perspective on how I approached my journey towards finding myself.
I am a big reader, it is honestly what has helped me survive. Woodman’s approach to using stories to “map the many paths towards wholeness” was revolutionary for me. I started incorporating my favorite passages from books and poems into my integration sessions. Using my favorite poems and prose to vocalize complex emotions I struggled to name.
Woodman (and all the other writers and poets I have read over the years) have taught me a valuable lesson: “Instead of transcending ourselves, we must move into ourselves.”
I have mastered the art of being nothing. It was easy. The practice of becoming has been excruciating. It is so much work and for the first time I feel a sense of optimism I haven’t felt in my entire life.