u/DevelopmentFit485

Never done an update before but I posted this last week and got some really helpful responses. I had my session with my therapist and all that worry, those worst case scenarioes didnt happen.

I was very nervous and I let it show. I managed to tell her everything. She was so kind and compassionate the pain of it is still rippling through me 3 days later. I've never really thought catharsis exists like that - but allowing myself to be fully seen and being able to tell someone about things I have kept to myself for 20 years...phew. My body is alive with sensations but for thr first time in my life I dont feel alone anymore.

Anyway if anyone reading this is nervous about opening up and telling their therapist things - from someone who was not ready to do it for 10 years (how long we worked together), I would say start by talking about talking about the thing.

Much love all,

I have been in therapy for a number of years and made a lot of progress. This past year I have made a lot of changes and this sort of connected me to my body again..or for the first time, who knows really. Who knew you could actually 'feel' your feelings. I experience alot of activation in response to emotions I think because feeling emotions is not safe? Anyway.

I find care and compassion from my therapist very triggering but have been able to build a tolerance very slowly. I have shared some of my childhood experiences which has helped although childhood is somewhat easier to talk about because its more detached.

I also have a history of sexual trauma which is quite complex really. I havent disclosed any of this really but over the past 6 months it has been really weighing on me. I was alone when I went through it and feel so alone still. Theres lots of shame and doubt attached to it. Part of me is so ready to tell her - was ready 6 months ago but I just havent been able to do it. We have done all the talking about talking about it you can possibly do. I don't necessarily fear she wont believe me or judge me - but I fear it will be destablising because she will respond with csre and compassion. While a part of me doubts it and feels shame. Part of me also knows if another person told me my story I would not think the same about them. Yet I cannot apply that to myself.

So our next session we have planned the disclosure. Extended session, extra session a few days later, my partner knows the plan (although doesnt know what it is) and I am bricking it. The anxiety and stress is causing me to flip into activation all week. I've had near constant somatic flashbacks and intrusive memories and everything feels so churned up. Part of me knows i need to get it out - say it and hopefully being met with it will help with all the loneliness. At least I wont be alone with it anymore. And I'm terrified I will loose control and well to be honest I'm not 100% sure what the fear is, its just agh.

Any feedback/advice. Anyone done similar. I'm starting to feel like I'm just making it in to a bigger thing than it needs to be now.