u/DessMounda

I’ve been disordered now for about…. 4-5 years? I was really in my honeymoon phase early. Kinda phased out when I started working and having other issues. I still occasionally engaged in disordered behaviors. I got put on prozac. That genuinely helped me. I stopped caring as much about my body and if I could purge or not. But I felt so sleepy and it did nothing for mood, so now I’m off of it. Now I’m on another med. Along with other bad coping mechanisms, I think I’ve relapsed. These thoughts feel stronger than ever. I know I can’t realistically do this. But these thoughts won’t go away. It feels like an addiction. The disgust, body comparison, and the nasty feelings have all come back. And I am in the process of getting psychiatric help, but it is also so hard hiding this from everyone. And I know if I do lose weight how I’d like to people are gonna ask questions. I also worry about living alone. It’s a blessing and a curse. I am scared about dying alone if I get unlucky with a purge. I just don’t know if I’m ready to truly recover though. For the longest time I’ve asked myself if I even have an eating disorder. Especially in the beginning I felt like a fraud. It encouraged me to go harder. But I’m older with bills and a cat. I can’t do that anymore like how I used to. I just feel like I’m in limbo.