i’m honestly so exhausted. i either feel nothing at all or i feel everything i’ve been through all at once, and it feels like this cycle never ends.
i genuinely thought i was getting better, but i’ve realized recently that i’ve mostly just been dissociating (maladaptive daydreaming, dp/dr) and distracting myself from my emotions for years. to the point where there are parts of my life i don’t really remember. for some context, my mom died when i was 18, and i was diagnosed with mdd and cptsd not long after. i’ve also experienced sa as a child and as an adult. i’ve struggled with anxiety for a long time, and i used to think i wasn’t depressed because i could go months feeling numb and then suddenly have intense emotional crashes every few months.
now i’m realizing that i’ve probably been masking my depression for a long time, and i’m just really tired. i want to get better, but right now i’m in a phase where i feel everything at once and it’s overwhelming. i’m not in a position to access therapy or psychiatry right now, which makes it feel even more isolating.
if anyone has experienced something similar or has found ways to cope with this kind of cycle, i would really appreciate hearing what helped you