I got almost everything in life yet I still feel shit.
Context: i belong to an ordinary middle class family
I gave neet this year and boards. NEET went well, expected 670+ and boards also went super well (98.25%), not as good I hoped, i expected 99+ bc then I might be the city topper + I'd get a whole lot of respect and awards from my school. didnt happen, was sad because the guy who got it (no offense to him) is not the kind of person I'd expect to get an award like that, I have literally never seen this guy excel in any academic field. 670+ is a good score, maybe not as good as the ones in my dream fantasy but it likely would land me in a top 10 med school in the entire nation. Still its still a terrific streak and I am sure three years back something like this would likely only show up in my dreams.
but the whole month of April was actual hell for me, I had never felt that stressed in my entire life and I spent my 2 years believing I wouldnt get that stressed yet I did, it sucked a lot. It was entirely giving mock exams, doing shit in them, wanting to jump off a building, then regaining confidence, giving another and again wanting to jump off a building. It was a 50/50 going into the exam, i have a good habit of de stressing myself whenever I am about to do something and the exam I surprisingly felt SUPER good about.
Now the bad part. NEET got cancelled, paper leak and basically the original is now null because my country is run immensely competent people as you can see. My situation is likely way better than everyone else's. Cuz here's the thing, I didnt buy NCERT (yes I gave neet without touching NCERT, if u ask others who give this exam, they'd call it the the Bible) plus I didnt do coaching, I fooled around for two years.
So realistically I can show off my true potential. My plan if it didnt work out and I couldnt get into AIIMS, I'd take a drop, order some JEE batches and basically pimp myself up so hard that they could throw in Advanced and I still likely could steam a 700 score.
But I'd do that in a rather relaxed setting now whenever the paper will happen I'm going to have that same shitload of pressure over me always starting from like today lol. Still my situation is a whole lot better than most people following the paper leak
But the absolute worst part, my school does its annual prize distribution day every year...I've been there for the last 2 years and I wanted to make my last ever appearance possibly in that place during this. And it happens to fall on a day when Im going to be out of town and it's not negotiable. This one, this one hurts way too much, I wanted to go to school one last time as a champion, as someone whose name sparks honour and admiration, Idc if it's egotism, i worked my ass off for it. And I cant do it. I dont give a flying fuck about the award, I just wanted closure. I want to walk into my school's auditorium, meet the people I spent 13 YEARS of my life with. I can do that, I can go to school to just meet everyone one day, no one will stop me but the actual occasion I will miss. I am actually fucking tearing up writing this, i know for many this is such a dumbass reason but it meant a lot to me.
No one's going to care, most people dont even look at the toppers list, I was one of the few idiots who did and sometimes felt like yeah my name's gonna be there. And it is there, but I wont see it. i dont really care about the prize, I just wanna show up one last time, I have been a total hermit my entire school life, I dont give a fuck about extracurriculars and stuff, I had the option to go this year and I didnt because I knew at the end I'd show up on the most important day of all. But I wont.
I wanted consolation from my family but according to them i am too hard to talk to these days. I am just alone. I mean I get congratulations and praise from people, its not that I dont. but those people are kind of always going to congratulate regardless of my score.
I am not going to be some great achiever, I am just another decently high scorer in the crowd. I know it sounds narcissistic but when you spend two years of your life seeing a dream and doing EVERYTHING in your power to make that dream come true and almost end up making it true, it hurts so much. Its not like I failed, some weird karma rng fucked me into not being able to make it. I have studied DAILY for 10+ hours every day in this year. For many giving this exam thats a normal amount, it isnt for me.
Its my fault almost fully. I think I am this prodigy individual who's destined for greatness. I have no idea how badly that hits my self esteem when I unsurprisingly dont achieve the greatness I long for.
I am just too emotionally tired now to bother.
I really thought I'd spend like at least like 2 months in peace, regardless of whether I get to that college or not, with nothing to stress my brain out. I dont get 10 days, tomorrow marks the 10th day since the exam. I dont wanna study anymore even in these 10 days I kind of was missing studying, now its back and suddenly all the bad memories I have with it are showing up.
Like I used to be down sometimes and think my goal is probably fantasy and I wont make it and fuck me it wasnt a fantasy, I almost made it but this world doesn't care for almost, it doesn't care for second places.