I want to cut him off... But I can't
Tldr - hype me up to shed some dead weight.
AP is like crack cocaine to me. I've tried to cut him off before and failed. I feel desperate for him and his attention and I know that's a dumb fucking place to be. I hate my real life. He is my escape from reality. When I cut him off, I have to face it. I'm scared of that. I don't want to go back to feeling dead inside, sexless, unattractive and undesired.
He treats me so well when it suits him, aka when he needs me, and then treats me like dirt when he doesn't or when things go wrong for him. He thinks I'm blind to it. He points out things like they're revelations but I see them.
Not long ago, he said something extremely pointed but true and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I asked him why he treated me so bad, and he said something along the lines of "I know you'll always be here". What the fuck kind of talk is that for someone who claims they love you?
He's basically admitted to me that when his partner is an asshole to him, he takes it out on me, that he uses and abuses me and knows I'll put up with it.
I need a hype crew to tell me to bin this fucking asshole off. I don't need this fuck ass playboy, but I can't cut him off because I need the escape from reality. I'm scared and angry. I need advice and support. I know I deserve better.
*I say "can't" because I don't feel mentally capable. Physically, I can. Mentally, I can't. Help me.
30sF (me) & 50sM (him).
Edited to remove negative self talk and to say 1) I am seeing a therapist. 2) He hasn't always been like this, it's only the last few weeks he's shown his true colours to me. I've not put up with this exact behaviour for long, but I've seen enough now.