u/Desiiexe

ANYTHING POSSIBLY TRIGGERING WILL BE LABELED WITH *** BEFORE AND AFTER AND CAN BE SKIPPED. IT IS USED TO PROVIDE EXTRA CONTEXT. THANK YOU. ‼️‼️

Hi, Hello, my name is Abel (M,18). This is going to be a bit of a rant + a long one but I ask that you please give me a chance. I want feedback. I want people to agree or disagree and to give me perspective, whether that be Christian or Non Christian. I want to hear your opinion even if it’s cruel or wrong or just downright untruthful — at the end of the day all I hear is opinion, I’m just tired of people telling me it’s fact. Regardless, please just give me, and my opinions and questions, a shot.

I’ve been Christian my entire life. I was baptized when I was a baby and I don’t remember it. I don’t have much opinion on it because I wasn’t even old enough to consent to my beliefs, but seeing as how I know I’m God’s child I don’t mind.

I have had a pretty hard life. ***I was SAed as a child, I was abused up until the age of 17, I have been broke and hungry and without a place to stay. I know what it feels like to hurt and be hurt and to trust no one, not even myself. I’ve failed to off myself multiple times and had to deal with the (absolutely lame) consequences of that.*** I am sure there’s much more I can ramble on about, but it feels unneeded. All this to say, I’m not a Christian that is a Christian because I’ve had the privilege to be one (I’m willing to elaborate if need be).

This has not stopped my faith in God. I know he has always taken care of me in one way or another and I know he has a plan for me. What I have experienced or almost done has been a result of human cruelty as I believe it, and a weakness that comes with being merely human, and also being a child. This is my belief. Whether it is truth I cannot say, but it gives me enough comfort. What I know in my heart is undeniable is that God is real and that he loves me and the beautiful creations he has made. He has said so at the beginning of time.

I’ve experienced many aspects of Christianity and it’s started to wear down my faith, something I’m ashamed of. I’ve had my Christian brothers and sisters take me in, then in the same breath tell me I’m not with God and that I’m going to hell. I’ve been hurt by Christians and helped by Christians. I’ve had Christians tell me A and also tell me B.

I am distressed.

I was told I’m not aligned with God because of my views, and I’m not sure what to do. I’m not completely sure what is a sin or not, or maybe in some aspects I’m in denial.

If being gay/trans is a sin, then I’d like to welcome people and accept them regardless (For context, I’m gay). I don’t want to believe it’s a sin. I can’t understand how every sin before it harms someone in some way, and I’m expected to believe that being gay is a sin as well when it harms no one.

But then I’m told I can only understand in a way a human can understand, not God, so who am I to believe?

The Bible concerns me because it has been rewritten time and time again, was written by man, and more. How am I to believe what is true? How can I blindly follow something that I cannot prove comes directly from God?

I’m told stealing is a sin, which of course I believe, but who am I to tell the homeless man eating out of the trash that he’s wrong? How can I help him if I don’t have the money to eat myself?

For that question specifically I was told, “Dying is a mercy because you will get to be with God. A true Christian is happy to die. You are thinking of yourself, your worldly desires. God will take care of them and if not, then it wasn’t God.”

How can I be okay watching people suffer from a system God did not create? *** How can I justify what is happening in our government? “Government is important in the Bible, and we must stand by our leaders.” How can I? How can I be okay with what happened in the Epstein files because “there is nothing you can do about it. Stop focusing so much on others.”***

I was told again tonight, “If you are not for God then you are against God. If you are against God then you are a child of Satan. To say that ‘what if that person does not get fed’ is to assume God does not have the power and is a direct insult to him and for that you are against God.”

I am very angry. I was told plants do not have feeling tonight. I was told animals cannot love tonight. I was told “This is fact, not my opinion. I am glad you are irritated, because I am spreading God’s truth not my opinion.”

Is this my God? Is this the kind and loving Father that I adore and worship?

I know I am not a well off Christian. The music I listen to is disgusting and I have fallen in love with human culture. I have a bad habit of adoring human rebellion in its best forms and I don’t know how to half myself accordingly. Am I really as disgusting as she said though?

Am I really condemned to hell for my beliefs? I don’t know who I am anymore. I cannot tell if I am so upset because I am evil or because I am just.

I am told I’m selfish for wanting to be individual, for wanting to express. I don’t know what we were made for anymore.

I ask that someone, anyone, as much as an individual can please respond to me. I feel disgusted but I cannot pray — it’s not His fault and I have no ill will towards him.

Someone please reach out.

((WARNING: SLIGHT MENTION OF AWFUL BEHAVIOR ; I PUT *** BEFORE AND AFTER SO YOU MAY SKIP!!)

I’ve never posted in this subreddit before since I prefer using Reddit to answer questions I have or, more recently, just to yap about shows and characters I like. But I haven’t been able to figure this out and I’ve seen a lot of good insight be given through this site, so I hope someone will give me a chance.

I’m just so angry, and I can’t figure out why. I mean, I can understand to an extent. My life has been very difficult, especially recently. ***I won’t get into too much, but I’ve been a victim of past parents and been passed around to new ones, I’ve struggling with maintains grades during my stress and bad friends and bullies, I’ve dealt with abuse from others and myself, homeless to an extent, whatever.*** But all in all that doesn’t excuse why I feel this way, at least in my eyes.

For context, I (18, M) had my last day of HS today. I graduate soon and I’ll be attending college. I’ve always hated my Highschool because the people here are sick ***(some sexually assaulted people, someone in my grade was talking romantically/sexually with a minor, most are awful behind your back and sweet to your face, homophobic, bullies, etc).*** Not only that but all of the trauma I’ve accumulated while I’ve been here.

So you would think this being my last day would make me cry with relief and feel amazing right?? Instead, I just felt pissed the entire day. Not even just annoyed, like something hateful and disgusting within me. I don’t want to feel this way, especially not towards friends or family I care about, but it’s like my hatred is being directed towards anything and anyone, including myself.

A friend invited me out for lunch but I declined because I don’t know what to do with myself, and I’d hate to stink up the mood or lash out like this. It feels like no one around me can understand either, and I just get redirected with this false sense of toxic positivity.

I want to be happy, and kind, and not so angry. I don’t know why I’m so angry right now but I’d like it to stop, I just have no clue how to go about doing that without distracting myself or trying to pretend I’m not, which neither are currently working. I’m just curious on some insight. That’s all.