Hi ladies,
I don't know where or how to write this thread to express how I am feeling and ask for advice. If it sounds chaotic, it is because I have difficulties expressing my emotions. This feels very vulnerable to me, and it is perhaps something that not many women would admit, so I am hoping for your understanding and advice.
I am a 40-year-old woman. The past years has been quite brutal for me. But I want to go back in time a little bit more. From age 26 to 36, I was living with a man in a civil partnership. I have always wanted a family and kids. I come from a big family and have good relationships with my extended family, and to be honest, this is what I expected for myself too. I pictured a family with at least two kids by my current age, living in my own house with a loved one. I thought that would be the case, but unfortunately, the man I was in a relationship with was dishonest with me about his family plans. Being an empathetic partner, I always agreed to wait longer and longer because it was never a good time for him. We both moved countries for his job, we were working on a house, and he was starting his business. There were very good and busy times, and then there were bad times. However, it was never a good time for a family. After I turned 34, I started pressuring him to be brutally honest with me because I had been receiving mixed signals from him for years and never truly understood whether he wanted kids or not. When I was 36, he finally admitted that he might want kids "on paper" but did not feel ready for them and did not know when he would be. We separated. It was a very painful breakup because I felt like I had been used the entire time and he had been very dishonest with me from the beginning. It took me three full years to heal. No matter how much I wanted a family, I could not even look at men without remembering what he did to me.
In the beginning of 2025, at 39, I met another man by accident. I was very excited about him, although cautious at the same time. We started dating, and we seemed to be on the same page regarding what we wanted from life. Unfortunately, we broke up last October. Strangely, I initiated it because I never felt like he truly loved me, as he was quite emotionally unavailable. So I ended up being very hurt in October again, because I was all-in (not in a toxic way, but in a secure way) and hopeful that perhaps with this person I could have a happy home with everything it involves.
At almost the same time in October, I also lost my job due to massive layoffs as a senior manager. This was another thing in my life that I liked and that gave me stability. I received a nice severance payment, but I have been unsuccessfully looking for a job for six months already, and it is driving me crazy. I am not at risk of poverty or anything like that, as I am living on pretty solid savings. However, I do not like burning through them as I am currently doing. It has started affecting my mental health. I feel more apathetic, less excited about anything, and often depressed. I put as much effort as I can into applications and interviews, but I am very often written off as overqualified if I look for simpler jobs and present my real resume. Or, for big, important roles, I am being left out at the very last stages due to very harsh competition in the market. I know the market is brutal right now, especially for people in middle management, as many companies have started to flatten their structures. I know the right opportunity may be just around the corner, but I sometimes lose my patience waiting. I do my best, though. I take online courses, and I apply wherever I can.
With everything combined, on days like today, I feel very sad and find myself crying. A younger version of myself thought I would be in a different life chapter at this time: sharing a home with a loved one, being a mother, and being someone who also enjoys her work during working hours. I have nothing of the above at the moment. I feel like a loser, and it is really hard to regain hope on some days. My self-confidence is shrinking. I avoid seeing friends. Most of my friends are happily married with kids running around. It breaks my heart every time I see that. I am not jealous. I am happy for them, but I am just so sad that I am not where they are. I do not know if I ever will be.
Today, a good friend of mine invited me for coffee. She was telling me about her new home renovation, I saw her growing 2-year-old running around, and she told me about a promotion. I was crying inside, but later outside as well, because I am nowhere near that. I get up, go for walks, journal, do some gardening, attend yoga classes, attend dancing classes, and cook nice meals. Those things keep me stable, but I am not fulfilled.
I feel healed from my last relationship since it was rather short. I feel ready to meet new people. But my current situation has really taken a hit on my self-confidence. Although work has never been everything to me, I have certain hobbies and enjoy simple things. However, whenever I meet a new person, I feel so upset when they ask me what I am doing in life and remembering the layoffs. I am terrified to tell the story about my long-term partnership because I judge myself for my own poor judgment and for wasting my life. So, I am very, very guarded when dating, to the point that it is not even fun.
I would like to hear your perspective. Have you experienced any darker periods in life? How did you overcome them? Do you have any positive examples?
I am also thinking of freezing my eggs because chances are I will never be able to have kids naturally, even if I meet the right person. What do you think of that? Have you had similar experiences?
Generally, if you were in my shoes, what would you recommend I do next? What is the way forward?
Thank you for your understanding and for any kind advice. It means the world to me 🤍