My body shuts down during sex
For context; I (26 f) have been in a year long very happy relationship with my partner (24f.)
Within the past two years I have been very slowly peeling back the layers of my sexual trauma that has been suppressed my whole life. I’ve never been able to be touched and I can only pleasure myself in a very specific way.
My partner is very understanding to my problems with sex. I cannot receive at all. I physically shut down and my body turns off and I disassociate. Even something as small as a touch on my leg puts me into flight mode. I’ve felt really guilty about our sex life. I am head over heels in love with her and I am very sexually attracted to her, but I cannot give her what I think she wants. She was a giver most of her life and now she is the only one receiving. She is very understanding about this, but I know she does miss the aspects of giving. I have tried so hard to bypass those feelings I have. I even have a harder time saying no when she starts to touch me like that even when I say it’s okay. This is starting weird energy and causing insecurities on her end and I don’t know how else to reassure her.
I find myself crying uncontrollably doing it, but there are no feelings attached. I dont know that im crying or i dont know whats even happening. All I know is that my brain is telling me I am safe but my body is telling me something is very very wrong. My anatomy doesn’t feel right and the wires dont feel connected like that should.
But it’s been like this since I was a young child. I dreamed of which I was a boy because then I felt like I had more control. Even now, I need to be a man in every context of my life but I dont want to transition.
I hate being a woman. I hate that I can’t remember my sexual trauma. I hate that I can’t help sex. I just moved in with my partner to our first apartment and I feel like I have wasted her time if picking someone like me. I love her more than everything and I would put myself through it to keep her even though she says she doesn’t need it.
I don’t know what to do or how to reassure her more