a year later i’m still hurt. should i reach out?
i had this friend i met a few years ago. we became close friends really quick and soon became inseparable. she was my best friend and i was her’s. we would celebrate our birthdays together and spending time with her felt like a dream.
she got a boyfriend, which i was so happy for her! but i noticed after that, she was getting distant. i understood that i wouldn’t be her priority anymore but it still hurt. i was still single and she was single for a long time, so she knows how it feels. but i know she was just happy to be loved properly by a good guy.
we didn’t talk as much but it was still friendly. but i could feel a bit of resentment growing. she would take a long time to respond to my messages, but post on her story. she would make plans, but cancel the day of after i cleared my schedule. i was trying to be strong but it was hurting me.
i got in a relationship towards the end of the year and unfortunately it wasn’t a good relationship. he had mental health issues and ended up breaking up with me right before my birthday and cancelled our trip. i was really really heartbroken and hurt. i never got closure from him. we didn’t talk around this time but she did come to my birthday dinner.
in january i found out i was really sick. cancer. i just turned 25. she had family and immigration issues. everything was starting to pop off with ICE around this time. it was scary for people, they were doing checkpoints on the road. in hindsight, i wish i was there more. but i didn’t know what to do or say and i knew nothing i said could make it better. so i just tried to check on her from time to time, but i tried not dwell on it all the time.
soon it was summer. at this point, i had resigned to reaching out. i was making other friends, treatment was going well, i was doing better. i quit trying to make plans and wouldn’t really reach out too much. i felt alone and abandoned by my friend. i was hurt but i was pretending i wasn’t. i wish i knew how to bring it up in a way. but i didn’t, so i pretended like nothing was wrong.
she texted me towards the end of the summer asking to hang out. i was standoffish. i wasn’t as bubbly and excited to hear from her, my guard was up and i was muting my emotions. it was obvious. i asked her if everything was okay because i noticed she took forever to respond to my messages or didn’t respond at all. she apologized and said she had a lot going on. i understood, but i was still feeling cold. i went to bed and read her message about hanging out. i saw it, but didnt want to open the message and continue the conversation so i went to sleep. she later texted it was fine and to not worry about hanging out.
i told her maybe we should hold off on hanging out until things calm down in her life a little bit and then she could hit me up. i see that was the wrong thing to say. she was probably reaching out because she needed a friend but didnt know how to say it and was probably feeling the same way i did. i just meant that i still needed space from her and i was hurt by how she was treating me and maybe once im not so upset, we can talk. but i didnt know how to say that. so i just said to talk to me at a later time.
i wasnt rude but i was keeping her at arm’s length away. she got upset and was being passive aggressive. so i told her that if she was going to continue to be passive aggressive, then to not talk to me. i didn’t mean forever, i just meant until she wasn’t going to be rude. she said okay and then blocked me on everything. all social media, my number.
she does have a mood disorder and i’ve seen her pop off on people, but it’s never happened to me. to me blocking someone is typically perceived as permanent. especially on all platforms. so i blocked her back on everything as well.
it’s been almost a year since then and i miss her. before my anger was red hot rage and now it’s not even a smolder. the fire is out cold. i just feel empty. i’m scared to unblock her because what if im still blocked? what if her life looks better since not having me in it? what if she doesn’t miss me at all? what if she’s still upset?
but at the same time, i’m scared. i wonder if she is a safe person that i can invite back into my life. i wonder if she even wants to be in my life. we were like sisters and now i don’t even know how i will react seeing her face.
i just needed to get it off my chest.