I (41M) and my partner (40F) have been together for 12 years. We have two kids aged 6 and 3. Early in our relationship, around our 7th or 8th date, I made it clear I didn’t want children. She said she didn’t either. After about five years together, seeing friends starting families changed my perspective, and I came around to the idea of having one child. I brought it up, and she agreed she wanted one as well. Three months later, she was pregnant, and we were both genuinely happy.
I quit smoking completely when she got pregnant. I had never smoked in the house anyway, but I stopped altogether aside from the very occasional one during particularly stressful moments. Her pregnancy was extremely difficult, both physically and emotionally. Her personality changed significantly, and she often became hostile and critical toward me. She would tell others I was controlling or being an AH, even though I was just concerned because doctors had identified a previously undiagnosed medical condition during her antenatal care. I tried to be supportive and put the behaviour down to hormones and stress.
When our first child was born healthy, we were overjoyed. The early period was tough, and we both struggled with postnatal depression, but over time we found our rhythm. Things improved, and we were genuinely happy as a family. Then one day she told me she had always wanted multiple children and had never admitted it. This led to arguments, as I explained how difficult the first pregnancy had been and how much my mental health had suffered.
At the time, the only contraception we used was the pill, which I would pick up monthly from the pharmacy. Eventually she started showing signs of pregnancy again. A test confirmed it, and so did the doctor. I was devastated and sank into a deep depression. During an argument about whether to continue the pregnancy, she admitted she had stopped taking the pill without telling me. She went ahead and had the baby.
Last year I spoke to two separate attorneys. They both told me that while what she did was wrong and could fall under coercive reproduction, realistically the legal system would not favour me. I would likely have to leave the home and still financially support the child. I now feel completely trapped. The only reason I haven’t completely fallen apart is because I don’t want to abandon my eldest daughter.
Day to day, I function by pretending. I act like I care and want to be here, even though I often wish I were anywhere else. Financially, I can’t leave. Our youngest is now three. I do everything a father should: I comfort her at night, play with her, take her to the park, and treat her the same as her sister. But despite all of that, I still feel no emotional connection or love toward her.
AITA for not loving my 3-year-old?