Hi everyone, I’m looking for some insight into a difficult family dynamic. We know the girlfriend of my in-law brother has BPD or high-conflict personality traits (b cluster), and it is tearing my in-law family apart. They have a relationship for over 12 years (at start it was a secret, even his friends didnt know for over a year).
For years, we have dealt with a pattern of lists of grievances, sudden illnesses whenever family events occur, and a constant need for control. The most painful part is that she has completely targeted my wife (her sister-in-law). My wife is being blamed for everything, excluded from the gf in-law family gatherings, and painted as the villain based on false accusations.
My brother in-law seems to be in total "survival mode." He has become a shell of his former self, constantly "reporting" back to her or keeping secrets just to avoid her outbursts. He recently agreed to move further away to his and her hometown, which feels like the final step in his isolation.
My parents-in-law are caught in the middle. They are passive and afraid that if they set boundaries, they will lose access to their grandchildren (currently child and one upcoming baby). Because of this, they often give in to her demands—like changing long-standing family traditions at the last minute because of her "rules." Mostly done with clear lying and communicated through my brother in-law. This leaves my wife feeling un supported and silenced in her own family.
We have reached a point where we are setting our own boundaries, thanks to wife having therapy because all of this happening, and it helps, we are stronger then ever. We no longer attend events where my wife is treated as a second-class citizen or where the "rules" are dictated by my SIL’s whims.
I’m looking for advice on:
- How to support my wife when her parents are too passive to stand up for her? (I do stand up for her, as sometimes she freezes and cant defend herself and I am pretty clear to my in law parents and they fully understand and respect in their way, but could be better)
- How to deal with the "quiet" manipulation where my in-law parents knows the truth but is too afraid to speak up?
- And have you been in similar situation?
Has anyone experienced a "breaking point" that actually led to positive change, or is a permanent estrangement inevitable?
This is just a small version of the situation I can speak off, so many details, so much has and is happened, it is a crazy toxic rollercoaster. As I am a bit more in the so called helicopter I see the situation pretty clear and, as last February my wife went all in and didn't keep it for herself anymore and since she cleared the air (for herself, as the borderline obviously has a in moral reality) it goes mentally a lot better. She fought as a transplanted kidney patiënt for 40 years to have an ok live, as live is not easy for us both, but there is only one girl needed to give her non deserved insecurity. The girlfriend of my brother in-law seems to be pure evil as long as it suits her.
Thanks for reading.